it's probably SARS

Let me preface this post by clarifying that I detest blog posts that are all about ill health.

Having said that……

I am sick.

I have a sore throat, a nagging cough and my ears are stopped up.

My husband is avoiding me so that he doesn’t get sick and keeps telling me to “drink orange juice or grapefruit juice”. But he doesn’t object to my germ-ridden self slaving over a hot stove to make him dinner.

In order to get some sleep I took some Tylenol night time cold remedy.

This allowed me to sleep.

But I had dreams all night long.

And they weren’t the good kind. You know, the sexy dreams that I have once a week about me making out with the guy from high school, but rather dark and disturbing ones. The ominous kind that you can’t remember when you wake up but leave you feeling distressed and out of sorts.

I’m probably contagious.

You should leave now before you get sick too.

Please feel free to take a complimentary bottle of Purell on your way out.

veteran's day

In observance of Veteran’s Day, I woke up early, got dressed and as usual drove 10 miles to the bank.

Only to discover that the bank was closed

“In Observance of Veteran’s Day”.

Gnashing my teeth, I got back in the car and drove home. As I was turning into the driveway, I spied the mailbox with the flag still up ; before leaving for the bank I had put my last netflix movie in the mailbox. This is when the light bulb went off and I realized that if the bank was closed then we wouldn’t be getting any mail either.

More gnashing of the teeth.

Also in observance of Veterans Day, I did nothing the rest of the day. I spent the day lounging on the couch watching movies: Just Like Heaven, Prime, The Station Agent.

And now for my three point observations:

Just Like Heaven
1) Reese Witherspoon’s character is in a hospital bed in a coma but her spirit is alive and well and annoying
2) Mark Ruffalo has the most kissable mouth. I just wanted to bite his lower lip.
3) The ending was too reminiscent of the St. Elsewhere series ending

Prime
1) Meryl Steep was perfection
2) This movie was NOT the laugh fest that the previews would have you believe
3) I suddenly realized that I am old enough to take a younger man as a lover and it won’t be illegal and that younger men are H O T (at least they are in the movies)

The Station Agent
1) Parts of NJ really ARE that beautiful
2) Michelle Williams = annoying
3) The main character was a little person named Fin.
As I was watching this movie and being drawn further the life of Fin, I had the MOST startling thought “he is so cute and even though he’s a little person I’d totally sleep with him”

Just the musings of an slightly politically incorrect, obviously horny woman.

you'd think i would be happy for them

My sister-in-law told me yesterday that her father - Big Bill - has finally decided to marry his longtime girlfriend, over the Christmas holidays.

And these are the thoughts that immediately went through my mind:

1. It's about damn time, they only been together 6 years.

2. Where/when is this momentousus occasion going to take place?

3. I don't have anything to wear

4. I'm going to have to go to Macy's.

5. This blows my Christmas budget

6. Wait!! I have that black dress with the lace bodice and plunging neckline (yay for the boobies) hanging in the back of the closet.

7. But I'll need to fix the zipper which is broken because I tried to squeeze my fat ass into the dress.

8. I'll just have to lose 15 pounds by the end of December (munching on candy corn throughout this entire internal monologue.

9. Ah, fuck it. I'll just wear a girdle and the extra strong pantyhose that hold in the fat

10. But then I'll be uncomfortable and miserable.

11. I wish they had consulted with me first.


I share this to remind you that it is often all about me.

I really need to work on that.

wax on, wax off

It has been on my list of things to do re: routine body beautification/maintenance:
1) shave legs
2) get hair cut
3) get lip and brow wax
5) clip toenails


I had made a Saturday morning appointment two weeks ago for a lip and brow wax, but I pretended to forget about it so that I could sleep in. So yes, I am well aware that I have more hair on my lip than does an adolescent boy trying to grow his first mustache.

But what I don’t need is a husband pointing out that fact.

May I offer exhibit A:

Hairy lipped Jen, to husband as he comes into the kitchen while she is making dinner. “Hello dearest, give us a kiss.”

Hairy-lipped Jen leans in, eyes closed, lips puckered in anticipation of a loving kiss.

Loving kiss never comes.

Hairy-lipped Jen opens her eyes to see husband staring in fascination at her upper lip.

“What?” Hairy-lipped Jen asks in puzzlement.

Husband responds “You have lots of little hairs on your lip” and points to said hairy lip with stubby finger.

Hairy-lipped Jen swats away offending finger and says with great dignity and withering sarcasm “I KNOW and thank you for pointing out the obvious (ass)"

Hairy-lipped Jen turns back to the stove and resists throwing wooden spoon at husband's head as he shambles out of the kitchen innocently asking when dinner will be ready.

It is here that I will point out two things.

1) It is his fault that I need to wax the lip in the first place. Years ago he mentioned my “mustache”. I became so self-conscious about the mustache that I felt compelled to go and get a wax. And you all know, once you start waxing you must keep it up or run the risk of looking like Pancho Villa

2) Turns out that my loving husband had been nipping at the Sambuca bottle before I arrived home and felt emboldened by the liqueur to speak what was on his mind.

To paraphrase that age old adage – “In Sambuca, veritas”

Needless to say, first thing this morning I made an appointment with Vicki at “Kristina Michele” for a lip and brow wax.

i might be your daisyheadmaisey

I have a pest that visits my blog and leaves comments. The name of the pest is daisyheadmaisey.

Daisyheadmaisey is somewhat of an enigma. I don't know if this person is a he or she.

I'm not even sure if the pest is a real person or just somebody yanking my chain.

What I do know is that I don't much enjoy getting/reading comments from him/her.

Which led me to an epiphany the other morning while was washing my hair*


There are certain blogs that I visit and leave comments and never get a response.

Yet I keep returning to those blogs and keep reading and commenting in the hopes that these wonderful and witty people will bless me with a pithy response and that we will become the very best of friends and they will add me to their blogroll and all the other wonderful and witty people that read their blogs will come and read what I have written and that I will become a blog goddess!

It occurred to me that perhaps this is what the daisyheadmaisey character is attempting to do and I am the asshole who won't respond to his/her comments. You see, I've been to his/her blog and I found out that I really don't care about daisyheadmaisey and his/her life.

Which led me to the following conclusion: Could it be that the people at whose blogs I read and comment obviously aren't interested in what I have to say either?? Not interested in me and my fascinating life? Not completly drawn in and waitng with breathless anticipation for the next great boobie blog? I cannot fathom this. Yet it must be true.

And with that came the following:


EPIPHANY......in effect, I am their daisyheadmaisey.

And that, my friends, is just too painful to think about in broad daylight.

*have you ever noticed that epiphanies often come while washing your hair? does it have something to do with massaging the scalp that lets the thoughts just come to the surface? or am i the only one who has great thoughts while in the shower?

monday morning prayer

7:34am

I want to thank you, Lord, for being with me so far this day.
I haven't been impatient, lost my temper, been grumpy,
judgemental, or envious of anyone.
But I will be getting out of bed in a minute, and I think I will
Really need your help then.

Amen

NEW CAR

i bought a new (to me) car on monday.

the reason for the purchase?

i had an accident at the end of september.

i rear-ended somebody

the airbags went off. i hit the car in front of me with such force that BOTH airbags went off. the passenger side air bag actually cracked the windshield.

oh I'm fine (aside from the burns on my hand and arm from when the airbag deployed)

but my poor silver ford focus was totaled.

apparently it would cost more to repair the front end, replace the windshield and BOTH airbags, than the car was worth.

so the insurance adjustor totaled the car.

we said a sad goodbye in the rain-drenched, gated yard of Bill's Service Station, amid the other wrecked and damaged cars.

and then i started my search for a new car.

i found one. slightly used. a pontiac sunfire.

we've made friends. but we're not chums yet. i'm still treating her with kid gloves. it will take a awhile before i'll feel comfortable enough to get her up to 90mph on the interstate.

but LOOK at the option she came with.

These were also offered:
#2
#3
#4
#5

which one would you choose?

the day after halloween

as i was driving to work this morning, the day after halloween, this is what i didn't see:

no toilet paper hanging from the trees.

no house or car windows soaped

no pumpkins laying smashed to smithereens alongside the road.

i must admit that i was a little disappointed.

there were no visible signs that last night was halloween.

not that i'm advocating vandalism or anything, but a little judicious use of toilet paper would come amiss.

and whatever happened to "corning" cars?

does anybody even do that anymore?

does anybody even know what that is?

or is "corning" strictly a phenomenon that occurrs only in rural central pennsylvania?

friday night fat

normally i don't post past fridays. i like to pretend that I have a fantastically busy social life on the weekends and don't have TIME to blog.

however.....

being that's it is friday night and i didn't feel much like cooking, we ordered take out.

pizza.

it was a meal deal.

one large pizza with garlic knots and zeppoles for $11.95

i had one slice of pizza.

and then i ate my my weight in sugared and/or garlic buttered dough.

that's A LOT of dough.

now here i sit, fat and bloated, before the computer screen, barely able to reach the keyboard over my distended belly. with a chest covered in confectioners sugar.

life is good.

lacking in ideas

Things recently discovered in the grocery store:

In the fruit and produce section:
Honeycrisp apples – oh so crispy and sweet

At the salad bar:
Zinfandel vinaigrette- light and tangy

Cereal:
It’s that time of year for Count Chocula, Boo Berry and Frankenberry cereals

Bakery:
Cupcakes, cannolis and eclairs OH MY! (more of a reminder really)

On line at the checkout:
Brad caught with a hooker, Angelina in tears.



Confession time:
I can never understand WHAT Janet Jackson is singing about.

itchy and scratchy

i just went in to have a quick conversation with my boss.

we were yelling back and forth and he kept saying "huh".

so i heaved my substantial ass up out of my chair and headed into his office to continue the conversation at a more respectable decibel.

i was talking as i walking so he knew i was on the way.

when i arrived in his office (taking all of maybe 7 steps), he was as usual behind his desk.

this is the fun part.

he was scratching his balls.

when he saw me he didn't immediately stop. he finished up his scratching.

he didn't even look embarassed to be caught scratching.

we carried on the conversation as normal.

but inside i was snickering.

ball-scratching does not bother me.

i have a husband.

he has serious itchy balls issues.

i understand the need to scratch.

but what i don't understand is WHY it has to be done in public.

and do men think that we don't notice when they are industriously scratching away?

know this...

it's still there.

the leaf.

now it's war.

i'm digging in my heels.

i WILL resist temptation
i WILL let nature take its course.
i WON'T reach over the hood and remove that bastard leaf.

with my luck, this leaf will hang out on the wiper until the first snow fall.

i know you were very worried about my computer and that it was probably keeping you up nights so you will be relieved to know that the computer didn't crash.

it just needs a new power cord.
it will be back safe and sound on monday.
now you'll can sleep tonight.


you should know that i watch project runway.
you should also know that the project runway finale was a disappointment last night.
i can't talk about it now, the wounds are too fresh.
just know that uli should have won.

and finally you should also know this:

too many oreos (especially the ones with the orange icing) eaten very quickly with too much milk (for dipping purposes) can act as a laxative.

really?!?!

there is a leaf stuck on the end of my windshield wiper.

it's been there for days and i've been too lazy to remove it.

i thought perhaps if i ran the wipers on high speed it would simply fly off.

no such luck.

now it's raining.

and i'm STILL running the wipers with the leaf stuck on the end of the wiper because i'm lazy like that.

i'll let you know when it finally comes off.

riveting post this.

aren't you glad you stopped by?

tomorrow we will discuss the pimple that is forming on the inside of my right nostril.

bet you can't wait.

waahhh

tragedy struck my home saturday morning.

the computer turned off on it's own volition. when i turned it back on, it refused to load windows. some nonsense about "boot volume not allowed".

don't worry dear friends, i will survive.

today the computer went into the shop for repairs. when i dropped it off and explained what had happened to hector the computer guy, he muttered "oh, that's not good".

i'm preparing for a funeral.

i had to find other ways to occupy my time on saturday:

this is how my day went:

forty-eleven loads of laundry
cleaned the bathroom head to toe
made the first of several trips up to the computer in the futile hope that it may have fixed itself
packed up a belated birthday box to my niece phoebe up in Vermont
sorted through photos in preparation to putting them in an album (which quite frankly is NEVER going to happen)
sorted through all the catalogs that have accumulated over the past 6 months - made HUGE Christmas wish list in the process
made breakfast of eggs over easy and toast - i never used to like eggs with runny yolks, now it's the only kind i like to eat. funny how tastes change as we get older. although i'm never really going to like peas or stewed tomatoes.
watched Overboard on TNT - i ALWAYS watch that movie when it comes on. that and Troop Beverly Hills and Baby Boom.
read part of a book entitled "bel canto" by ann patchett. it got good reviews, but i'm having a heck of a time wading through it. anybody have thoughts on it?
watched spaceballs - the movie. mel brooks is sheer genius in my book.
made dinner of sliced turkey and gravy, mashed potatoes and green beans with thyme - all from boxes - oh yes, i'm QUITE the gourmet.
fielded infuriating comments from himself regarding the "piece of shit" computer along the lines of "it's never worked right to being with" and "you NEVER should have let your sister borrow the laptop" and "if they can't fix it i'm going to buy a new one from my friend jay" and we all know how buying things from family and friends works out!

by the end of the day i have to admit i WAS suffering somewhat from computer withdrawal. but i finally got some much needed work done around the house.

so now my surfing and blogging is being done on the sly at work.

gotta go, the boss is coming!

i got nothin'

it's not that i'm without words, more like the wherewithal to string the words together to make a sentence.

thus, presenting a half-assed list of odds and ends for your reading enjoyment, since sanna has informed me that she's ready to read something other than the boobie blog.

1) against my better judgment i changed deodorants. i went from the secret solid to the gel. now, while the gel is a lovely lavender scent and doesn't leave white marks, it's really not working. i feel like ducky from pretty in pink "do i o-ffend?"

2) also against my better judgment, i bought new underwear. thinking that my ass is not nearly as big as it really is, i got a size smaller (but still big in the overall scheme of things much to my chagrin). now the leg holes are cutting off circulation to my lower extremities. but on the upside - they are pretty underwear. since i'm wearing andre the giant sized underwear i can't very well call them "panties" now can i? so i call them what we called them growing up, "unders".

3) continuing with lack of good judgment - i purchased a VALUE bag of Brach's autumn mix candy. i am eating all the candy corn with chocolate on the bottom first. i can feel my teeth rotting in my head as i am typing

4) over the weekend i finished a memoir by alan titchmarsh. if any of you watch BBC America you'll know him from Ground Force. Turns out he's MUCH funnier on TV.

5) also over the weekend i watched (from my netflix queue) elain strich - live at liberty. it was a one woman show. just an empty stage, a stool, elaine in a man's dress shirt and tights, singing and telling stories about her life in the theatre. it was oh so good and kept me enthralled for over 2 hours (she's 77!!!)

6) next up on the queue - Hatari! (the exclamation point is NOT mine)

7) explain to me please, why it is necessary in life for my cats to sprawl all over the clothes i JUST laid out on the bed.

8) WHY can't we buy funnel cake all year long? why must we wait for the local fair?

9) as the nights get cooler, so begins the long, hotly contested, bitter battles over whether or not to have a fire in the fireplace. himself is for it, i'm against it. the chimney hasn't been cleaned since we moved in 3 years ago. the wood makes a huge mess and the chimney smokes.

10) i'm loving the los lonely boys right now if you need a gift idea for me for christmas.....

and i'm spent.

boobie bonanza

if you don't already know , i LOVE to talk about my boobies.

so in honor of breast awareness month i thought i would repost the first time i mentioned my boobies on my blog.

February 09 earthquake in nj and surrounding states
if you felt earth tremors this morning it was because i slipped and fell as i was getting out of the shower i landed with a crashing thud. and in the process managed to bruise several choice parts of my person including my right boobie. i think i went down a cup size.

you'll see.....i talk about them ALL the time. they are an endless source of fascination and discovery. they are also real. and fabulous. my friend sanna, who i have mentioned before (and who has a nice set herself) thinks that i should refer to them as my "bosom". but i like boobies. my sister, who has had three children and therefore has a working set, refers to them as her "girls". diana, my fellow co-worker, calls them "tetas" because she is Columbian. And BECAUSE she is Columbian, she knows how to shake her tetas.

what do YOU call them?

because i'm a lazy bastard

this is a retread....from october of last year.
it occurred to me last night, i've got a whole year's worth of blogs at MSN that will just be sitting in their little archive bliss. never again to see the light of day.
because let's face it, we NEVER really go back and read through a fellow bloggers old posts . even though we say we do.

so as long as you promise not to read the msn archives i'll post my most favorites.

it will be like we are meeting for the first time


October 18, 2005 - (no changes, just the way it was originally posted - warts and all)

my prince came and i threw him away

it's sunday afternoon - i'm lounging on the couch watching my netflix movie - when i noticed movement out of the corner of my eye. at first i thought it was one of the the cats. then i thought it was a leaf since i had the back door open (it was a fine day) and the wind was blowing. but then the "leaf" moved in a vertical fashion and i realized i was looking at a wee frog. i was incensed that this creature had invited himself into my living room without so much as a by your leave. as i leapt off the couch to capture this frog he hopped further away (coy thing) under the recliner. i upended the recliner and he hopped under the radiator. whereupon he proceeded to hop INTO the radiator and rattle around like a piece of popcorn. in the meantime i realized i needed to find something in which to capture this creature. i lighted upon tom's notre dame hat tossed casually on the entry table. what a perfect receptacle to hold the frog. after i encouraged the frog to hop into the hat i tossed him out the front door where he flew 6 feet into the air arms and legs flailing. he landed in a daze on the front walk. after a few moments he shook himself off and hopped away.

i would like to know where the little dickens came from? did one of the cats bring him in? did he hop in through the back door? did he come up from downstairs? are there more of his kind in the house? these are pressing questions

hello!!

Welcome Friends!!

Glad you came by.

Please pardon the appearance. I WAS going to maintain two sites at once for a while and then finally go Blogger all the way. But not until I was all set up. I'm not quite ready for visitors yet but couldn't stay at the MSN party any longer. For any completely new visitors I used to blog HERE. There you will find sparkling witticisms, stories about my husband aka "himself" and the occasional boobie story.

My main reason for leaving MSN?! Too much DRAMA!!

I know that the furor of the whole Jeannie/duped women of MSN vs. EZ will die down eventually, but it's too much for me. Blogging for me is supposed to be fun. And I can't bear to read about all of the those gullible women who let that man into their lives.

Do you realize what these women did? Not only did the exchange oh-so friendly comments with this man, but they added him to their IM. They gave him their email addresses. They gave him their PHONE NUMBERS!!! In return he continued to write flattering comments, send flirty messages, talked for probably hours on the phone , emailed them pictures of his MEMBER. He turned them into victims. And when they tried to extricate themselves for what turned out to be a VERY sticky situation, he turned hateful.

The thing is...where was that vaunted women's intitution that we are supposed to have?

I've seen his comments, they made me shiver in distaste. I decided to steer clear of him. Maybe it's just me, but I think that people's characters come out more in their writing.

Ok I'm done with that.

So, welcome to my new blog.

'Oh the places we will go'

how to get your husband to make dinner

a few simple steps:



1) come home from a day of working with teenagers and answering too many questions

2) spy your husband sitting ensconced on the couch with the cats watching football

3) field the infamous "what's for dinner" question

4) open refrigerator door to see all sorts of leftovers

5) suggest you heat up tuna noodle casserole from friday night

6) be subsequently informed that your new recipe for tuna casserole sucked and he won't be eating the rest of it anytime soon

7) suggest the rest of the manwich you made last night

8) further informed that "i had that for lunch" - you mean you actually made yourself something to eat? ALL BY YOURSELF?!?!

9) in desperation fall back on hamburgers and FF - perfect sunday supper food

10) just as you are about to go out to heat up grill, it starts to pour down rain

11) debate about standing in rain to grill burgers

12) decide to go ahead with grilling as by now, you've wasted too much time and are getting exasperated, quite audible sighs from the vicinity of the living room

13) heat up grill, get out hamburgers, start slicing tomatoes and onions

14) simultaneously he leaves the couch to check fantasy football scores and you put hamburgers on grill

15) you sneak in to grab a few seconds of TV time

16) turn to TLC to watch about the worlds smallest people

17) become enthralled with the wee people and forget about hamburgers

18) hamburgers accordingly become severely flamebroiled

19) thinking quickly on your feet, you add double layer of cheese

20) this does not disguise the crispiness of the burgers

21) the grand master does not deign to eat crispy burgers

22) the UNGRATEFUL SOB throws the poor pathetic burgers out in the yard for the raccoons

23) get 5 minute lecture about the prudency cleaning grill before cooking. according to him he ALWAYS clean the grill (the whole THREE times he's done the grilling this summer)

24) suggest vehemently that perhaps HE should have made the burgers and flounce off upstairs to write mad post about the ungratefulness of husbands

25) while writing this very post hear him furiously scrubbing the grill in preparation to make his own burgers



26 - MISSION ACCOMPLISHED - sucker!!!



QUESTION – do you think it would be the height of folly to ask if he made ME a hamburger?!!?!?

Three

THREE NAMES THAT YOU GO BY:
1. Jen
2. Big Jen Bergman (himself’s choice)
3. Gretchen Lardbottom (my father named me that when I was just a little girl)

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. My freckled arms
2. My circle of friends
3. The obvious fact that I’m soooo much better than you (you DO know I’m joking!?!?!)

THREE THINGS YOU HATE/DISLIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. My utter ineptitude at making correct change
2. I accept defeat too easily
3. My almost pathological tendency to be late

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
English, Scottish, Peruvian

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Snakes
2. Turkeys – when they fix their beady eyes on you……
3. Not knowing when to say when

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. Qtips
2. Dove soap
3. Good-bye kiss from himself

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW: (I’m the pinnacle of style)
1. Flannel nightie ( i started this last night)
2. Glasses
3. socks

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS: (OR SINGERS) – depending on my mood….
1. Prodigy
2. Fleetwood Mac
3. Right now I'm listening to Bette Midler sing the Rosemary Clooney Songbook

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
1. Make curtains
2. Learn to make candy
3. Take candy I've learned to make and go to Farmer's Market

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. With my husband -Lots of Laughter
2. With my boss - a little monetary recognition
3. With my scale - a slightly smaller number

TWO LIES AND A TRUTH
1. The grass is always greener
2. Tomorrow will be a better day
3. You reap what you sow

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. Hairy chest – I like a MANLY man
2. Hands – calloused, work-hardened hands
3. Legs – well shaped (can he rock a skirt?)

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1. Wolf whistle
2. Turn a cartwheel
3. Fully comprehend the concept of time travel

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. Reading
2. Planning parties
3. Contemplating my navel

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. Eat a glazed donut
2. Punch my boss right in the nose
3. Go pee....but I want to finish this blasted thing first!!

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
1. Toast of Broadway
2. Scion of Society
3. Bane Of Your Existence

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. Prince Edward Island (with sanna, before we’re 80!)
2. Canton, OH (with Himself)
3. England

THREE TRUE LOVES:
1. Double Stuff Oreo Cookies
2. Himself
3. Pork chops and appleschauce

THREE FAVORITE ANIMALS:
1. I only like my cats

THREE REASONS WHY YOU'RE DOING THIS:
1. Because I know you are just DYING to know all about me
2. It's Friday and I'm bored
3. I needed a good post to start off my Blogger experience.