linky-loos

1)on july 30 we celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary.

2) just remember you heard about alison krauss and robert plant here first

3) i'm currently crushing on dita von teese.


4) much to my surprise, delight and mystification, there was a package from amazon.com on my doorstep when i got home from work on friday. for one brief second, i thought i had mistakenly ordered TWO Deathly Hallows, one from barnes and noble (which i had received on the previous saturday and was patiently sitting on my bookcase waiting for me to finish the half blood prince), and one from amazon.com. iwas frantically wracking my brain as to whom i could pawn off the second book when commmon sense suggested i just open the box. and i found an Amy Sedaris book and an Absolutely Fabulous DVD had come unbidden to me from my good friend jess jones. now we are crushing on her a little bit today too!

5) from my netflix queue i am watching the office. WHY haven't i been watching this regularly? i'm also watching A Touch of Frost, which is a British cop show and i'm strangely attracted to David Jason, a short, balding, mustachioed, middle-aged Brit.

6)This little Kitchen Aid beauty has a place of prominence on my kitchen counter (she is tangerine)and she has a friend who, with the assistance of Ben and Jerry is going to help me make Coffee Heath Bar Crunch® Ice Cream

i'll let you know how it turns out

ashes

My mother-in-law’s ashes are sitting on my mantel.

The fact that they have been up there for several weeks doesn’t bother me in the least.

What is bothering me is that my mother-in-law’s ashes are sitting on my mantel in a cocktail sauce container.

My first thought when I saw my husband put the container on the mantel was “I wonder if she even liked shrimp?”

I might be a little dead inside


Note:He was not responsible for putting her ashes in that container. That would be his clueless sister.

let's all get some lesions - it's the latest thing

Let me quickly bring you up to speed:

Vocab lesson:

Paraesthesia is an extremely common symptom of multiple sclerosis occurring in 87% of people with MS at some point during the course of their disease.
Paraesthesia describes a number of abnormal sensations just about anywhere in the body. These include tingling, prickling, pins and needles, electrical-type buzzing, burning, skin crawling, itching, partial numbness (like feeling through tent-cloth) and a variety of neuropathic pains.

With the onset of this additional symptom, I made an appointment to see my neurologist.

Got scheduled for an MRI and found much to my dismay that two new lesions have appeared since my last MRI. One on the brain, which would account for the dyplopia and one on the neck (the paraesthesia)

This called for a round of IV steroids twice a day for a week.

CHEERS.

My fingers are greatly affected by this and it makes it bloody difficult to type, put in contacts, pick my nose etc. so bear with me.

Later on we can discuss the greater effects of MS and Solumedrol which include and most definitely NOT limited to: bladder control issues, blown veins, and constipation as well firm statements of “I’m right, you are wrong, now get me a glass of water and then piss off.”

That’s right, I get a little British when doped up.

vacay recap

“No man needs a vacation so much as the man who has just had one.” —Mark Twain

Three important facts I learned about Disney World:

1) Florida is hot and humid and it rains at least once a day
2) Shamu….much bigger in person
3) Crocs are the shoes du jour in Disney World. I saw them in every size and every color of the rainbow.

No pictures. I didn’t bring the camera. But I can borrow some from my sister-in-law if anybody desperately needs to see proof that I did go to Orlando.

Because MS and heat don’t really do well together, I passed on the character breakfast and the day-long excursion to Magic Kingdom. Instead, I stayed in the condo and got caught up on my reading and Netflix movies. Because in all honesty, my idea of a vacation is lying around reading and eating food prepared by someone else.

Places I DID get to see: Seaworld, Downtown Disney, MGM and the magnificent fireworks display at MGM on July 4th. There is a LOT of standing around and waiting at Disney. We sat for 45 minutes waiting to see the fireworks which lasted for approximately 7 minutes.

Also, the employees at Disney are preternaturally friendly and, given the fact that I come from New Jersey, I found the friendliness a bit disconcerting.

In other news, upon returning from vacation, the MS returned unbidden in the form of diplopia.

Diplopia = double vision. So basically, I’m seeing doubles of everything unless it is 2 feet in front of me.

At first I thought I thought it was eye strain, punishment for watching the entire 6th cycle of ANTM in reruns on Saturday. But by Tuesday I was seeing double. I bullied my way into the eye doctor’s office Tuesday night and had an emergency eye exam. Whereupon the Dr. told me that what I was experiencing was diplopia. He says he can give me prism glasses to help me see correctly. And he gave me an eye patch. If I put it over one eye, I can see well enough to drive.

I look like a pirate- ARRRGGGHHH!

This would have come in handy last week when the theme for the vacation was pirates.

A final note…when asked “Alex, what do pirates drink?” my husbands 2 year-old nephew has learned to say “RUM”. His mother has Uncle Tommy to thank for that.

vacation

Have I told you?

I'm going to Orlando!!!

Leaving on Thursday (at 6:30am !!!!)

For a week.

A family vacation.

With the in-laws.

No worries, these are the fun in-laws.

If you are good internets, I’ll post some pictures upon my return.

you could be next on the list!!

My cat – bring into the house just one more chipmunk that is feigning death and then miraculously springing to life and running for his/her life under the bookcase where it will eventually take up permanent residence, meet another rogue chipmunk and raise a family of wee chipmunks and I will banish you forever. Oh and eating grass and then vomiting on the living floor is not helping your cause!!

My fellow co-worker – keep on bitching that it’s too cold in the office and keep messing with the thermostat and will break every one of your fingers

My boss – ask me to revise the report I did for you one more time and I will quit.
QUIT I tell you!!

The rash on my flabby white belly – please just GO AWAY. You are unsightly, you itch and you are spreading and you will force me to break out the Magical Mystical Gel.

The woodpecker in the tree right outside my bedroom window pecking away at 5am – STOP PECKING!! You are loud and the pecking echoes throughout the neighborhood.

My husband – In a week we will be in Florida on a family vacation. But you are annoying me so very much right now that I don’t know if I can bear to spend a whole week with you. So for now……JUST STOP!!

a final note:
as i was proofreading my entry, i realized that i spelled "rogue - "rouge". And i pictured a little chipmunk all rouged and lipsticked up. and momentarily lost my aggravation.

Green

So there I was, sitting at my desk, blissfully eating my post- prandial Snickers bar while checking my emails.

I wasn’t really paying attention to what I was eating, other than to savor the chocolately, nutty gooeyness that is a Snickers bar, when I happened to glance down and saw that the filling was green.

GREEN I TELL YOU!!

It looked moldy.

I took a closer look at the packaging.

Folks, I had in my hand a Shrek the Third Snickers candy bar with “Green Shrek Filling”

They hasten to assure the consumer that it has the “same Snickers taste”.

I can assure you it does.

the polite plumber

Yesterday we had a visit from the “Polite Plumber” – seriously, that’s the name of the company.

He installed a water filter and fixed the toilet.

No more filling up buckets of water to flush.

According to the Polite Plumber, after flushing, the toilet should fill up again in 30 seconds.

In a classic example of overachievement, ours filled up in 22 seconds flat.

We are so proud.

just to let you know

When ANY sentence, prefaced by the above phrase, is uttered by my husband I know I’m in for a nice bit of bad news.

For instance, last week, when the well pump expired…

“Just to let you know…..we are out of water.”

Monday morning was no exception.

“Just to let you know…..the bathtub is backed up.”

Green slime was oozing from the drain and Jen had to take her shower standing in three inches of watery goo.

Just to let you know.

i want to tell you....

I want to tell you in great depth and boring detail about how the well pump died and we were out of water last week.

I want to tell you how I broke the latch on the trunk of my car and have been driving around with the trunk bungie- corded and how the lid flaps in the breeze like a pair of long johns on the clothes line.

I want to tell you how I went to my father-in-laws house late Thursday evening after work to take a shower and how I fell as I was getting out of the shower and landed with a huge THUMP on the ceramic tile floor and hurt my right buttock. And how I sat on the floor of the bathroom in a big pink, naked lump and cried great tears of sorrow for myself.

I want to tell you how the well pump people came the next day and in the matter of an hour installed a new well pump. And then I want to tell you how I discovered that the toilet is not filling up fast enough and that we need to fill up buckets of water to flush the toilet.

I want to tell you that we are going to have to install a water filter.

I want to tell you how for months my husband and I have been circling warily around a subject that must be discussed with rationality and maturity. And how in my head I have my bottom line which is “if you value me and our marriage you’ll let this matter die”

I WANT to tell you all these things.

I find that I MUST tell you these things instead.....

this morning I clipped my fingernails and now I am able to type much faster and with greater accuracy.

last night I ate a soft pretzel and it was good

Monday night we watched “night at the museum”. it could have been better

susanna and I cancelled our yard sale. I still have 5 pastel colored feather trees for sale

right now, dinner is simmering away in the crock pot. chicken legs in an onion herb
sauce which I will serve over rice

my sister’s birthday was a month ago and her gift is still sitting waiting to be packed up and sent out.

ditto for the mother’s day gift for mum

and finally, tonight I’m watching the Top Chef Season 1 vs Season 2 Grudge match. That’s right….I watch Top Chef and Project Runway AND Shear Genuis.

All right, all right, you’ve forceed it out of me, I also watch Celebrity Fit Club.

As a final admission….last weekend TV Land ran a Kate and Allie marathon.

I watched it.

panache

This morning, while watching E!’s “The Daily Ten”, I was excited to learn that suspenders are making a comeback.

Suspenders were a fad that I fully embraced when I was in 3rd grade and my mother bought me a pair of Mork from Ork rainbow suspenders.

When I was in 10th grade, and on the cutting edge of fashion, in an aborted effort to start a trend, I bought a pair of red paisley suspenders at the thrift store for 50¢ and wore them with style and panache.

Soon after, the suspenders lost their allure and I went on to wear inside-out sweatpants (never with the legs pushed up though) mismatched socks and a Lebanon Valley College sweatshirt that I took out of the lost and found, worn with either sneakers or penny loafers and panache.

Always with panache.

rein, reign, go away

I was reading a blog earlier today and she said “…. I gave him free reign”.

I always thought it was “free rein” as in giving a horse free rein.

But I see how “reign” could work as well.

So which is it, “free rein” or “free reign”?

And now, after typing repeated drafts, both phrases have lost all meaning.

live from NJ....boobies

Purely for vanity’s sake, I have squished me lovelies in a bra that is:

1) pale pink
2) an underwire
3) ever so slightly padded (not that I really need it)
4) and at the moment excruciatingly tight because it is a size too small

The result of this enforced agony?

The girls are flying high and proud.

Salute them as you pass by.

birthday wrap-up

Today I was gently reminded by my good friend Sanna, that I haven’t done a post-birthday post. Mostly I think she wants to see her name up in lights when I publicly thank her for remembering me on my birthday.

So here goes:

A big thanks goes out to my good friend Sanna. She purchased not one, not two , but THREE items from my amazon.com wish list.

None of the rest of you even came close – suckers!

I received several e-mail birthday greeting cards: Cousin Jeremiah, Aunt Renee and my friend Cory. And by the way, Cory if you are reading this, do you EVER check your emails?!?!

I also got a lovely birthday wish from my friend of high school days Missy Knepp, who, as it turns out, reads my blog and was worried because I haven’t posted in a while.

Explanations for the dearth of postings will be revealed at some point (all in good time, my pets)

To the rest of you knuckleheads, who because of my blatant attempt at garnering birthday wishes, were kind enough to actually respond with a “Happy Birthday”, let me know when it is your birthday and I will reciprocate in kind, because I’m cool like that.

My mother called me at 6pm. Because that was the official time I was born. I once again got to hear the miraculous story of my birth. Including the part where when I came out the Dr. turned to the nurse and said "here take her, she's piddling all over"

From my husband I got the following:
1) chinese take-out - the pu pu platter of which i ate most of it followed by chicken with cashew nuts for me and chicken lo mein for him

2) a foot rub- which was so lovely after 5 hours on my feet

3) complete control of the remote all night - we watched Ferris Bueller's Day Off - the annotated version. Did you know that the actor that played 18 year old Cameron was 30?

The evening progressed quietly and bouyed by the thought of a 30yr old sucessfully playing an 18yr old, I effortlessly entered my mid-thirties.

as a reminder

April 22nd is my birthday.

I'll be 35.

Felicitations and birthdays wishes are now being accepted.

cooking meat

When my mother was a little girl, children were not privy to adult conversations. That did not stop Mum and her sisters’ from hanging around the adults trying to overhear a choice bit of gossip.

One day while visiting with Uncle Don (grandpa’s brother) and his wife, Aunt Lorraine, the conversation turned to a topic not meant for little ears.

Nona and Aunt Lorraine were engaged in conversation when Aunt Lorraine abruptly got up and said “Come into the kitchen with me Elva, while I cook the meat.”

This piqued my mother and her sisters’ curiosity and they followed their mother into the kitchen only to be shooed out.

Obviously, this was an “adult’s only” conversation.

Thus the legend of “cooking meat” was born and to this day, when my mum and one of her sisters’ need to speak of something private they say are “cooking meat”. They’ve even shortened it to just “cook meat”. As in, when my Mum needs to talk to Aunt Debra about something important and juicy she’ll call her up and simply say “Debra, we need to cook some meat”.

And so it continues….

It was a Christmastime that I had my first adult experience with “cooking meat”.

I was at my father-in-law’s house for a family meal. After the meal, my sister-in-law and I lingered at the table desultorily chatting about our lives. I began to notice that we were speaking in lowered tones, and whenever a family member would drift into the room we would cease what we were currently talking about and begin speaking about something general.

It didn’t occur to me until I was driving home late that evening that I was carrying on the proud tradition of cooking meat.

Yet another sign that I am a “grown-up”

Notes

I am so TIRED of my winter wardrobe. I am wearing an outfit today that I loathe. But I was too lazy to iron the outfit that I REALLY wanted to wear.

The radio station that we are currently listening to claims that the music that they play is “fresh”. Then they proceed to play such fresh music as Ace of Base “I Saw The Sign” But ANYTHING is better than the dreaded Columbian music.


Mark you calendars. In exactly one month it will be my 35th birthday. If you forget, never fear, I will give you periodic reminders.

Last night I did a grocery run and purchased among other things a 6 pack of Fruit2O, peach and strawberry flavored. The peach is gross. But that is neither here nor there. I bought this stuff because I know that my husband enjoyed it when we were out in IN visiting his sister. When I told him that I bought some more, JUST FOR HIM. He informed me that it is Propel that he likes not Fruit2O and that “you really don’t know me at all.”

“!!!!!!!!”

Seriously.

I don’t know him at all?

After 13 years of marriage??

What an ass.

Moving on……still not liking my outfit.

I can’t bring myself to watch American Idol. I try. Really I do. But it’s just too painful. Although, I’m intrigued by the guy who is so in love with his hair. He loves his hair ALMOST as much as Simon loves his own chest. Have you ever noticed how much Simon caresses his chest?

Word I am currently liking “ Vast”

I’ve put the Oreos aside and am enjoying “Vienna Fingers”. Mostly because they were on sale 50% off.

REALLY not liking the peach Fruit2O. I don’t know if I’ll be able to finish it.

thighs are us

Running in an endless loop through my head – “64, 64, 64 Zoo Lane”

For those of you not in the know, it’s a show on Noggin.


Also for those of you not in the know, I am out of baby powder.

That’s right. I use baby powder.

Hey listen, if YOU had the thunder thighs I have, you’d be using something to keep the chafing down to a minimum too!

So the endless loop of “64, 64, 64 Zoo Lane is accompanied by the “swish, swish” of un-powdered thighs.

did i ever tell you about the time i went to a formal event in the city? i wore pantyhose that had shiny stuff shot through them. it made the pantyhose rough to the touch. the rubbing together of my massive thighs against the rough panthyhouse created such friction that it nearly caused a small fire. and basically reduced my inner thighs to a red mass of raw flesh. my mother said it is called "galling". And apparently it runs in the family as my father (a big guy) is afflicted with the same problem from time to time. Especially in the summertime.

Also, the dress that I wore to the formal event? The zipper broke. Because I squeezed myself into a dress that fit as long as I stayed standing. The first time I sat down in the taxi I felt a pop. I had to get the attendent in the Ladies bathroom at the Waldorf Astoria to sew me into the dress. For the rest of the night, I made my friend walk into the room right behind me. And I stood with my back to a wall. After several healthy vodka tonics though, the zipper became a non-issue.

The next morning, I walked bowlegged. Like I was rode hard and put away wet.

It was a miserable night.

including oreos

somedays i wish i could just quit you

good idea?

was eating the rest of my chicken with cashew nuts (from Saturday) chasing it with two butterscotch krimpets and washing down the whole disgusting mess with a flat root beer really the wisest decision at 10:30 on a thursday night?

tune in tomorrow morning for the results.

me and my grossly distended belly are going to bed now.