Thursday, January 11, 2007

scales DO lie....sometimes

My digital scale has been in hibernation.

You see, we have an ongoing battle, the scale and I.

So, when the battery died several months ago, I declared a victory and put the scale away.

But still it taunted me.

Luring me with its siren song, it’s promise of a new low number.

Yesterday I finally succumbed and put in a new battery.

And then, after having evacuated my bowels and removing all clothing, I stepped upon the scale with the confidence borne of weeks of Lean Cuisine meals and no soda.

There was no rapid flashing of numbers like on the “Biggest Loser” but an immediate three digit red display glaring back at me.


I stared down at the scale in stunned disbelief.

“IMPOSSIBLE!!!” I cried (only I said it in my very best Spanish accent “imposseeeblah”)

I stepped off the offending scale and, resisting the impulse to dash it and its horrible 247 to the cold, tiled bathroom floor, shook it.

Then I checked to make sure it was on lbs not kgs.

I put it back down on the floor.

Whispering a prayer, I girded my loins (i LOVE that phrase) and I got back on.

The display showed a new, lower number.

But don’t even THINK that I’m going to tell YOU my new lower number!

Suffice it to say, my days of Lean Cuisine meals are not over just yet. As a matter of fact, they are stretching out into the foreseeable future, or at least until Shop Rite takes them off sale.

I entreat you, oh dearest of Internets, that if you catch me putting an Oreo, or Snickers bar or Vienna Fingers or ANYTHING sweet into my mouth, you will immediately smack me.

I'm counting on you.


mannyed said...


Beth said...

Step AWAY from the OREOS! Put THEM down!!!!!!!

I have lost 5.6 lbs in two weeks...and 100 cal oreos were involved.

kilowatthour said...

this post actually caused me to send my husband out for vienna fingers.

katielady said...

OMG, I would have fallen off. But my pregnant self might not have questioned that number. Geez.

I still would have shed some tears, though.

Jessica said...

Our scale has one of those body fat percentage readings. I hate it. My weight is pretty good, it's that body fat percentage that sends me to the cookie jar (as non-sensical as that may be). So generally, when I'm feeling good about my weight and at no other time, I'll just use the part of the scale that just gives my weight and nothing else.

Thanks for de-lurking on my blog. I was tossing and turning last night trying to figure out what happens to Sam. I think I'll pick up his story again and try to figure it out!

Di said...

Scales not only lie, they use bad grammar, gossip, smell bad, curse and don't say "please" and "thank you". All in all...not anyone/thing you would want to spend time with.

Cindy said...

Hi Jen, Thanks for stopping by...good to see you again. I gotta hand it to've got guts to even say what the scale lied about. This morning I tried standing on one foot and it still lied to me...only by half a pound, but still. I only had beer 3 different nights last week and one night we had wine with ravioli. Ya gotta have wine with Italian food right? And I think it's against the law in Wisconsin to watch football/basketball/hockey and not drink beer...and have a tray of cheese and crackers with it. And maybe order out for pizza, because it's too cold to go anywhere. Jeez, I guess I'm lucky I only gained 1/2 a pound last week.

Malathionman said...

Don't stand in the middle of the scale, that will NEVER give you an accurate reading. Don't forget to take off all of the body piercings, those things can get pretty heavy.

smtwngrl said...

I'd love to help you, but I'd like a few oreos myself. :)

Thanks for the belated birthday wishes. And no, I don't think you're an aweful blog friend. I mean, really. I haven't been so good about commenting and visiting lately either. (And thanks for the gift! I've always wanted one of those! Hand-written note is in the works, I promise.)

Now step away from the lady fingers, put down the treats, and get back on that treadmill.

ParanoidX2 said...

Warning !!! Warning !!!
Will Robinson

'Doomsday Clock' Now Reads 5 min. to Apocalypse.
There is no Time to diet

ParanoidX2.... Because I twice as paranoid as your average Joe.

mandolyn said...

Um...can I have your oreos? I could lie and say that the little Snarkette wants them.

Thanks for the condolences. I was sad to see him go. Also a little scared of the Jerry Jones Decision Process, although at the current moment, I'm pulling for Ron Rivera.

mannyed said...

So, I'm thinking not only did the scale lie, but it tripped you on your way off of it, that's why you haven't been around...