Monday, December 24, 2007

Merry Christmas

It's Christmas Eve.



And how do we know it is Christmas Eve?



Because TBS is running "A Christmas Story" for 24 hours.



Mr. Parker: He looks like a deranged Easter Bunny.

Mother: He does not!

Mr. Parker: He does too, he looks like a pink nightmare!

Merry Christmas!!

Friday, December 21, 2007

boxes of love

It’s Friday and time for an update.

Last Friday I went back to the Dr. and he gave me the go-ahead to start putting weight on my leg. I’m walking on the leg now and let me just tell you….it is PAINFUL. It’s the most pain I’ve felt since I broke the leg. But every day it’s getting better. I’m still using the walker. Mostly for balance. I’m becoming resigned to the fact that there is a distinct possibility that the walker will figure more prominently in my life from now on.

The commercial that I don’t mind watching over and over again? Charlize Theron selling me J’Adore by Dior.

Also, I’m a little embarrassed to admit that I’ve been watching the FaLaLaLaLifetime Christmas movies. They are like Harlequin romances condensed into 2 hours.

There is nothing like receiving a box in the mail. Last week I received a record number of boxes. On Tuesday alone I got 4 boxes. I thought they were deliveries of Christmas gifts that I ordered online, but they were ALL for me.

1) Amazon.com – the movie Stardust from my friend Jess – who is seriously spoiling me!!

2) A Wolfermans gift box from one of my fellow co-workers – crumpets and scones and English muffins

3) A selection of Partylite candles from my friend Danita – who I’ve known since we were 4. Danita is my hero because not only does she have MS but she’s also a new mother. I don’t know how she does it all.

4) All the way from Kentucky I got two ornaments and a bag of circus peanuts from Melody. Melody has officially become one of my best good friends simply because of the circus peanuts!!
Melody says the girl looks like me and the ballet shoes are because I’m so “graceful” and the peanuts because my house must be a circus right now. It’s like she has known me for years!!

The next day I got a box from another blog friend Ami, who sent me a little gift bag of passion fruit shower gel, soap and lip gloss.

These boxes joined the box of wrapped Christmas gifts from Sanna.

But the box that wins the prize for inventiveness and color is from Aunt Benita. She sent me a box of orange. Please see below photo.

In this box I found an orange towel and washcloth, an orange scrubbie, an orange razor (Aunt Benita knows I'll need to shave my legs soon), orange pencil, pen and highlighter, orange cups with Santa on them, Tahitian vanilla and orchid body wash, orange fingernail polish (for my toes), Tang mix to go in the orange cups, and other small orange things that all fit nicely into a rubbermaid tote with an orange lid.

I think this officially makes Aunt Benita my favorite aunt of all time.

I thank all of you, dear friends and family. You make me feel truly blessed.

And now, before I get all mushy, here’s a Zach Attack.

The next Zach Attack photo will be taken personally by Aunt Jen. Zach and his family will be coming to NJ after Christmas and we are so looking forward to meeting him.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Bullet Friday

1) Because I'm housebound I don't have a whole lot of interesting news to report, other than I'm watching too much TV. I'm thoroughly sick of Christmas commericials, especially the Macy's commerical with Martha Stewart saying "Jessica.....darling" and a petulant Donald Trump.


2) I did find this new game and I've been playing for days. I know I should be doing it for all the poor, starving children in the world, but mostly I'm doing it because I'm trying to get to 50.



I'm at 45 right now. What's your score? I should warn you that it's all vocab words.
3) In other news, I'm doing Christmas cards. If you would like me to send you a card, email me your address at nejyerf@hotmail.com and I'll shoot one out to you. I've got nothing better to do.


4) I'm going to the Dr. today and hopefully he'll tell me that I can start putting weight on myleg. And then hopefully he'll take the cast thingy off and I can take a proper shower and shave my legs. I'm also thinking that once I'm more mobile I'm going to treat myself to a pedicure.

5) Here's the next installment of Zach Attack with Zachary showing some skin....his mother tells me that when she says "Hi" to him he mimics her. We agree that he is a gifted child.

Friday, December 07, 2007

dribs and drabs

I’ve been home for a week now and quite frankly, I’m getting tired of the invalid lifestyle.

I’m ready to get back out into the real world.

Two more thank you’s….one to Jess, (who is fast becoming my oreo dealer) and to sanna who sent me this……



She picked up this lovely orange tray when she was in Italy this summer. I'm blessed with good friends.



In other news, I spend a lot of time sitting at my kitchen table looking out the big bay window. Yesterday, a huge blue jay flew smack into the window. He looked rather dazed but gamely picked himself up and flew away.



You see....this is what I'm reduced to..... a sad little story about a blue jay. I've got nothing exciting going on in my life. Unless you count the fact that I finally had the time to watch the second season of "Remington Steele" on DVD. I don't mind admitting that I am a HUGE fan of the show. And yesterday, I watched the Law & Order: SVU marathon. I thought of my sister-in-law who is home on maternity leave and watches L&O religiously.

And that reminds me....it's time for a Zach Attack. This week there were so many pictures to choose from that I'm going to post two for your viewing pleasure.


Friday, November 30, 2007

the return

Hello my lovely internet beauties, I’m back!!!

Did you miss me?

I surely missed you!!

Today I went to the Dr and had the staples and sutures removed. I’m to go back in two weeks for more x-rays. He says I should be able to start putting weight on the leg at that time.

The past two weeks I’ve spent in rehab learning how to negotiate with a walker. I was also issued my own personal wheelchair while I was there and once I mastered the art of driving the wheelchair I went zipping up and down the halls.

I was probably the youngest patient there. Most of the other patients were elderly people who broke their hips.

Things I was unable to do whilst in rehab:

1) Get a good nights sleep. They were always wanting to take my blood, take my blood pressure or wanting me to take pills. They pushed the pain medication. I quit the oxycontin after a couple of days because I’m a Bergman and Bergman’s are tough and pain is our middle name. Can I get an “Amen” from Sister Jenny?

2) Poop. All the meds I was on gave me a good case of constipation. Again they wanted to give me meds to make things easier. The words milk of magnesia was bandied about. I chose to take the natural route and just waited it out. That’s all I’ve got to say about that.

3) Shower. I went a very long time without a shower. I did the best I could doing what Sanna and I call a “whore’s bath”. You know….. pits and crotch. But after a few days I began to smell pretty ripe. So when the nurse’s aide came in my room and asked if I would like to take a shower I jumped at the chance, even though she would have to help me. I’ll draw a veil over the ensuing shower action but just know that I felt like the elephant at the zoo that gets the hose turned on him at bathtime!!

4) Check Perezhilton.com for updates. The computers worked sporadically. And oddly enough, I was able to live without knowing the latest celebrity news. Could I be over Perezhilton.com????

5) Check in on all of you to see what’s been going on in your life. My newsgator feeder is weighed down with all of the blogs I need to read. But be assured that I will get around to visit. Thank god for the “Hymnal”!!

Big thanks go out to my best, good, friend Sanna, who so ably updated “Calling Dr. Bombay” while I was away. She was a good guest host. Maybe we can talk her into becoming a regular on the show??? A roving reporter perhaps?


More to come, but I’m an invalid now and I have to go and do what invalids do, which is to lay on the couch with the cats and watch reruns of “The Golden Girls”

It’s good to be back.

And lest I forget… it’s Friday and time for a Zach Attack.



Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Ground Control to Major Tom ...Turkey

Hi all, this is Sanna again.

Update East Coast:

Jen is in rehab ("no, no, no"). She's doing well and learning all she needs from the physical therapists in order to go home next Tuesday (yeah!).

Her mum and dad are visiting her tomorrow for Thanksgiving.

Himself hasn't brought the mail for a few days so Jen may be missing out on something fantastic.

There is some internet connectivity at the rehab, but it's so piddly and poor that she hasn't been able to update the blog. They even block Perez Hilton for pete's sake.

So here is what I have been given to tell you all. If names are misspelled that is entirely my (Sanna's) fault since Jen would never be so careless.

Special thanks go out to...
Cory! who sent Jen a 'Tim Gunn for President - Make it Work' Tshirt that Jen wears during her PT sessions....
Melanie (MK99)! who sent Jen a musical invite that she got a kick out of....
Sanna! who sent Jen beautiful orange roses, mums, lillies etc in an orange ceramic pumpkin. Jen says she'll keep the pumpkin. Sanna's still p'o'd because she asked the florist to mix in some candy bars with the flowers and they did not!

Jen's sister Jodi was to have visited her house this past weekend to clean things up and generally whip folks into shape. I'm sure she did! Hopefully Jodi did make it down and put Jen's winter clothes away because she was impossibly worried about them being spread all over the guest bed.

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Taking a Little Break

Hi there, this is Sanna.

Update from Jen; Friday after work as she was going up the front steps at her house she lost her balance and fell down the steps backwards and went boom. Luckily she had her hair in a ponytail and it cushioned the blow to her head.

However, she broke her lower left leg in 3 places (the tibia, fibula and one other crushed bone she can't remember the name of). She went into surgery Friday night and got 7 lucky pins in her leg.

She is recuperating at the hospital for a few days and will post again when she is home and has access. At which time she will be accepting all consolations, cards, calls and gifts. Reminder; red and green Oreo's are due on the shelves anyday.

Jen wants you all to know; the phone in the ER was orange, lunch Saturday included orange jello (she ate it), the betadine stained her foot a lovely shade of orange, breakfast today included an orange....it never stops, see?

Friday, November 09, 2007

Look out, it's Zach!!!



It’s time for a Zach attack - this is actually a twofer.


Look at how much he’s grown. According to his mother, he eats every 90 minutes and is a very gassy baby. He gets this from his mother's side of the family!! Also note the pleasing shape of his wee head. The only helmet this kid will ever have to wear is a football helmet!!!


In this photo, he seems to be smiling. His mother informs us that this smile is due NOT to his gaseous nature but rather to the fact that he's a genuinely happy baby.
Now, since all Zach does is eat, sleep and poop, I don’t think he’ll mind sharing Zach Attack Friday with Shallow Thursday, because I forgot a very important shallow item:

This was an IM conversation between Sanna and me earlier in the week:

Sanna: you are now 4 degrees of separation from kevin bacon. Lori Singer just walked into Johi’s (Sanna’s sister) office

Jen: Who’s Lori Singer?

Sanna: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001742/

Jen: We’re that much closer to John Lithgow too!!!

Sanna: and Dianne Wiest!@!!!!!

Sanna: and SJP

Sanna: Add THAT to your shallow Thursday blog



And that my friends, means YOU are 5 degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon!

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Not so shallow Thursday

I know today was supposed to be Shallow Thursday. On Shallow Thursday we are supposed to discuss the craziness that is the celebrity life. And how much better we are than Britney Spears and the nonsense that is Rosie O’Donnell and Pete Doherty shooting up and Amy Winehouse and why she paints such heavy eyeliner (she’s like a female Groucho Marx only with eyeliner instead of a painted on mustache and eyebrows) and Jennifer Lopez finally admitting she’s preggers, and that crazy- ass Heather Mills and Brett Favre. Why Brett? Why not I say!!!!

But, instead of discussing these topics in great length and depth, I did the following shallow things (because my boss was out of the office today):

1) Online Christmas shopping – I think I’m going to buy the black towels at Bed Bath and Beyond. I have a number of the 20% off a single item coupons that are moldering away in my glove box. I got two more gifts. One for my father-in-law and one for his girlfriend.

2) Watched the last episode of The Office on my lunch hour. Emailed Klem to find out why Michael hates Toby so much. Does anybody know?

3) Renewed my library books online

4) Periodically checked in with perezhilton.com for celebrity updates

5) Downloaded some songs from Itunes

6) Updated my Netflix queue. Have a mentioned that I’m watching “A Touch of Frost” and I’m seriously in love with David Jason? He’s a short, middle-aged balding British man with a mustache and I can’t get enough of him.

7) And just so that I earned my wages, I did some filing while listening to Robert Plant and Alison Krauss.

Perhaps we shall gossip tomorrow……

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Lunch Challenge Wednesday

Today is Lunch Challenge Wednesday.

My packed lunch includes:

ham and cheese on whole wheat bread
smokin’ cheddar and BBQ doritos
two mini cowtails
pepsi

Challenge!!


In other news, I love you all, but I’m finding it increasingly hard to comment on all the other blogs that are out there especially since so many are participating in the NaBloPoMo thing. I can’t keep up with all of them.

So I’ve devised a plan.

I will read your blog and then leave this comment:

“Please refer to #4 in your Calling Dr. Bombay hymnal.

Then you go to MY blog and look up #4 and feel all kinds of warm and fuzzy.

Calling Dr. Bombay hymnal:
1) Ha!
2) Sheer genius
3) I wish I could write like you
4) You are a blog god/goddess. I must shield my eyes from your brilliance
5) This is drivel. My monkey could write better than this.
6) You rock!!
7) I’m laughing so hard I’m crying.
8) I don’t understand you but I love you anyway
9) Shut up!! (but in the good way)
10) Stop writing now before the blog police take away your right to blog


We will have effectively killed two birds with one stone.

You’ll get the blog love you crave and I’ll have lured you into my blogweb.

It’s a win-win situation, no?

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

orange tuesday

may i present for orange tuesday :



a REALLY BIG PEN

This also fulfills my "buy a Christmas present a week" requirement, as this REALLY BIG PEN is for my nephew Jason.

Monday, November 05, 2007

Meme 1

Name three songs that have the word “rain” or “water” in the title.

November Rain - Guns N Roses
Singin' in the Rain - Gene Kelly
Smoke on the Water - Deep Purple

Name 1 toy you owned when you were younger, that meant a lot to you.

I had a dolly named Baby Special. She had a hard plastic head and a soft cloth body. My mother made clothes for her and I had a wooden cradle to rock her to sleep. I still have Baby Special.

Name 2 games you enjoyed playing as a child.

I always liked Candyland.
Dutchblitz. My mother, sister and I wiled away many a night playing this game. We would get loud and rambunctious and I challenge anyone of you to a game!!

Name 3 foods you didn’t like as a child, but do now.

There isn't a food that I didn't like and do now. I didn't like peas and I still don't. Although I eat them because they are good for me.

Name 4 foods you didn’t like as a child, and still don’t like.
Harvard Beets
Canteloupe - it literally makes me gag
Peas - i don't like peas.
Red beet eggs.
This is a bonus - Pimento loaf

Sunday, November 04, 2007

barbie dolls

A month ago, my sister Jody informed me that I could get a Barbie doll for my niece phoebe’s birthday.

Her exact words were, “Phoebe is ready for a Barbie doll.”

I was so excited by this news. I hadn’t been sure if my sister was going to allow Barbie dolls in her house. She’d already banned everything Disney and you can’t even mention Barney. And I couldn’t imagine Phoebe growing up without experinceing the joy and delight that is a Barbie doll

When we were little girls, Jody was more of a Pretty Pony girl. She did have one Barbie, but she didn’t play with it much and it soon came to live with my dolls.

So it was with great delight and a trip down memory lane that I chose Birthday Barbie for Phoebe’s birthday. This Barbie even came with a birthday cake.

I have to say that the Barbie dolls look a little weird compared to the dolls of my day. They have these big bulbous heads and doe-like eyes.

And the clothing choices??? More than a little sluttish.

I have promised my sister to exercise some control and only limit myself to two Barbies. But she didn’t say anything about getting the one thing that I longed for as a little girl and never got.

Barbie’s dream house.

Saturday, November 03, 2007

me and my small mouth

i went to the dentist today and learned, much to my vindication, that i do NOT have a big mouth after all.

both the dentist and her assistant commented on that fact several times.

i wanted the dentist to write a note to my mother to verify this. i cannot tell you how many times my mother has instructed me to shut my big mouth.

you'll be dismayed to learn that i had two cavities filled today and have to go back in two weeks for three more fillings.

this is what comes from a diet comprised mainly of oreos, krimpets and candy corn.

Friday, November 02, 2007

Zach Attack




This is how NaBloPoMo is going to work here at Dr. Bombay’s (subject to change at my whim and fancy):


Meme Monday – every Monday I’ll do a MEME. I promise I won’t tag you

Orange Tuesday – all orange, all day

Lunch Challenge Wednesday – what are YOU eating for lunch today?

Shallow Thursday – it’s all about celebrities and fashion and tv and movies

Zach Attack Fridays – tune in to see how much Zach has grown.

Saturday and Sundays are free spots. who knows WHAT will come up?

And now, here is the latest Zach Attack:


Note his spiffy Halloween garb:








This is big brother Jedi Knight Alex - he was supposed to be Yoda but wouldn't wear the ears.


The ears mysteriously appeared on Big Daddy Yoda.



Thursday, November 01, 2007

Nablopomo

I’ve sold my soul and joined nablopomo

This means that I have sworn to post to my blog every day in the month of November.

Aren’t you excited?

I’m not promising much.

But I think that if I’m going to post every day then the least you can do is support me in this endeavor and leave some comment love.

And that means YOU, your dirty lurkers.

You know who you are…..Teri (and yes, i know i owe you krimpets!)

Wish me luck.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

i love the smell of celebrities in the morning.....

Last week Sanna and I were discussing Amy Winehouse and lamenting about how bad she looks. I told Sanna that I think Amy probably smells pretty bad. A combination of Aquanet and unwashed hair.

Yesterday I found this at the Maxim website.

THEN I read about Britney giving the Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo a lap dance?
Which leads us to the question of the week courtesy of Sanna

“I wonder what Britney smells like?”

Sanna says “marlboro lights, blowpops, car leather, cheetos and wig sweat”

Your thoughts?

And yes, I am well aware that this could quite possibly be the most shallow blog post of all time.

Monday, October 29, 2007

if you believe in fairies then clap your hands....

Fairies:
In talking with my sister over the weekend, we discovered that we both have fairies at work in our house.

You know, the laundry fairy, the grocery fairy, the dinner fairy, the bill-paying fairy.

She is only one fairy, but does the work of many. Now that I think of it, maybe she’s not so much a fairy as a house elf. Like Dobby.

After I ranted to my husband about the abundance of fairies at work in our house, he got up Sunday morning and cleaned the bathroom, took out the garbage and vacuumed the living room.

I told you so:

On October 20, Max McGee, the Packer player who caught the first touchdown pass in the first Super Bowl game, died after falling off his roof.

What is NOT reported in this article, but what I am 100% sure happened, is that Mr. McGee’s wife told him NOT to go up on the roof to blow leaves. I pointed out to my husband, “this is what happens when you don’t listen to your wife!!”

Music:

I bought the Robert Plant/Alison Krauss CD that I told you about months ago. It's EXCELLENT. Is it wrong to tell you that I'll burn you a copy if you want?

Weather:

We've had the freakiest weather this past weekend. On Saturday it was wet and rainy and warm. On Sunday it was cold. And this morning there was the merest suggestion of frost on my car.

Christmas gifts:

I've been looking for black bath towels. Do you KNOW how hard it is to find good quality black bath towels? I'll tell you. It's VERY hard. Suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Friday, October 26, 2007

zach attacks, happy balls and comments

I’ve decided….every Friday we’ll have a Zach Attack.
I’m going to swipe the pictures from my sister-in-law’s website. I swiped the name “Zach Attack” from her as well.

Here’s the first installment. In this photo, big brother is showing little brother the owl he made at daycare.

In other news: my lunch today was from Wingman. I had the chicken strips and fries. I offer a half-hearted “CHALLENGE” since it really wasn’t all that good. Although the Bar-B-Que dipping sauce was excellent.

I got a package in the mail Wednesday. It came all the way from Louisville, KY. Inside were two specialties of Louisville. The first was a box of Happy Balls and the second was a great big cookie with pecans from Kizito Cookies. The cookie was so big I was able to stretch it out for two days.

These lovely gifties came from Melody. She was a satisfied recipient of the Krimpet offer of 2007 and wanted to respond in kind. Now she is my new best friend. See how easily you can win my love? Just send me cookies and candy and I’m yours for eternity or until something newer and sweeter comes along.

FYI - this weekend the New York Football Giants are crossing the pond and will be playing the Miami Dolphins in London, baby! The Dolphins are currently 0-7. I’m predicting an easy win for the Giants.

Has anybody tried the Sierra Mist Cranberry Splash? Should I get it or not? Please advise.

Are you all using that new feature of subscribing to comments that blogger is offering? It's a genius idea. I've always been hesitant about responding to comments left because I wasn't sure if people actually wanted to come back and review the comments. But now that they are doing this new thing. I think I WILL comment on your comments.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

mid-week thoughts

1) In my never-ending quest for all things orange, I found this:

Its got tangerine, lemon grass and aloe. Now my head smells like a giant tangerine.

2) Have I told you about my grand plan to buy at least one Christmas present a week? No? I’ll tell you now. The idea is to buy at least one Christmas present per week right up until the week before Christmas. Then all that will be left to do is a mad flurry of wrapping. So far it’s been working. I’m building up a quite a nice stash in the guest bedroom. Now I just need to pick out Christmas cards. Seriously. I'm going to be organized this year if it frickin' kills me.

3) How many Anne of Green Gables fans do we have in the audience? Raise your hands. C'mon, don't be shy. Our numbers are legion and we always welcome new members. My mother, also a fan, emailed me this the other day. I'm not totally on board with the idea. I think they should leave well enough alone. Thoughts?

4)The state of California is evacuating people near the fires that are raging out of control. This makes me stop and think "if i were evacuated from my home with the expectation of coming back and finding my house burnt to a crisp, what would i take with me". Aside from the cats and important papers, that is. Would I take all the photo albums? or as many of my books as possible? or the movies we've collected over the years? or the the artwork that i so painstakingly chose and had framed? or the christmas cactus that i've nurtured and babied along for years? or the mixing bowls i inherited from my grandmother? i know these are all material things. things i could live without but still.....
What would you take with you?

5) True confession time: Last night, as I was driving home from work, I was noshing on chedder cheese combos (the cracker kind not the pretzel). I put the bag in my lap and was eating and driving. Then I remembered I wanted to get gas before I went home, so I made a hard right into the gas station and the bag of combos slid off my lap and spilled onto the floor. After parking the car next to the gas pump and telling the lovely russian man to "fill it up regular", i unhooked the seatbelt and bent over to inspect the damage. Only 6 combos had escaped the bag and were lying on the floor mat. So I scooped them up and ate them. The lady in the white explorer next to me was staring at me with a mixture of fascination and repulsion on her face. I just looked at her blankly and continued eating combos, this time from the bag. Eating food off the floor mat is gross I know, but what do you do when you think no one is looking??

Friday, October 19, 2007

welcome zach

On Sunday morning, my sister-in-law and her husband welcomed their second son into the world.

Behold the beauty that is Zachary Willard Webb:














Zach's big brother Alex came to the hospital to meet him. Look how gently he is reaching out to touch his baby brother. Look how tightly he's holding on to his granddad's finger. From what I understand, Alex is still quite firm in his conviction that he will not be sharing his Thomas the Tank train with Zach any time soon!!


Uncle Tom was singularly impressed with the fact that of all the football Sundays Zach could have been born on, he chose last Sunday, which was the Colts' bye week. The Webb's are from IN and by default are Colts fans, although I suspect that Mama Webb secretly roots for the Giants since she is and always will be a Jersey girl.


We will get to meet Zach at Christmastime when he and his big brother and parents will drive out to NJ. At which time Aunt Jen will once again have to supress those urges to run right home and get pregnant!!


Thursday, October 18, 2007

you are what you eat

Internet Reporter: Good afternoon, denizens of the Internet World, we are coming to you live from Jen's cubicle where we are about to discover what Jen had for lunch today. As you may recall, Jen and her best good friend Sanna often engage in lunch challenges.
Today we went first to Sanna's office where we learned that for lunch she had the following:
an italian hoagie, well packaged, generous with the lettuce, THREE slices of tomato, wrapped in plastic and placed inside a 12 inch, soft white hoagie roll, from a united way sale. very good salami, good cheese, 2 mayo packets, 2 mustard, AND a tiny little travel cup of red pepper sauce that NO ONE ever gives out anymore

Now on to our live interview:

Internet Reporter: Good afternoon, Jen. It's nice to see you again. The last time we spoke you had just killed a snake. Anymore instances of snake killing to report?

Jen: Hello Internet Reporter, I am pleased to tell you that my house/bedroom has been snake free for quite some time. But I'd really rather not speak of that since snakes give me the willies.

IR: Moving on then, we just came from the offices of your best good friend Sanna and she has thrown down the "Lunch Challenge" gauntlet. What did you have for lunch today? The Internet World wants to know.

Jen: I'm so glad you asked me, Internet Reporter, I had sweet and sour chicken with pork fried rice from "The China King - we deliver". CHALLENGE!!


IR: Sounds good but a trifle ordinary. Not impressive enough to win the "Lunch Challenge". What did you have for lunch yesterday?


Jen: Yesterday, I had sweet and sour chicken with pork fried rice from "The China King - we deliver".



IR: Nope, I'm afraid Sanna is still in the lead. How about dinner? What new and exciting meal did you concoct for dinner last night?



Jen: Ah, dinner. For dinner I mixed it up a little and had chicken and broccoli, green beans and white rice.



Jen: From the Chinese Buffet.



IR: !!!!



Jen: My husband came home from work last night and suggested we go out to eat. To the Chinese Buffet. And even though I had Chinese for lunch I said "yes, let's go"

Because if there is one thing I've learned in 13 years of marriage, it's to jump at the chance to go out to dinner!!


IR: Ah so.

IR: It looks like Sanna is the clear winner, and if we are to believe that old adage "you are what you eat", then you must be Chinese!!

Jen: 是蠢貨!



Jen: 早晨好對

Jen: 我將有您下次, Sanna!



IR: Until next time, this has been the lunchtime edition of Internet Reporter Interviews: Chinese Jen

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

this tong's for you



I've gone global!
Tales of the exploits of Jen the Giant Fearless Snake Killer have reached such epic proportions that even our friends in Italy have heard of them!
I received an email from Andrea = Andrew from somewhere in Italy, who says he read my snake killing story and that it reminded him of a painting he did. He sent me a copy of the picture.

The picture has the two things I fear most in life: snakes and bare feet. It made me shiver.

But I can appreciate the artistry.


Maybe this post will encourage Andrea to start his own blog that will feature more of his art? He says he's done many drawings dedicated to the theme of women defeating snakes.
When I told Andrea that bare feet creep me out, he pointed out that the brave woman in this picture actually defeated her snake while wearing fabulous sandals with a pearl strap.
You will recall that I vanquished my snake with a pair of 9" Oxo kitchen tongs. I'd like to see that picture!!
Speaking of tongs, last night I found a giant, horking spider lurking on the kitchen counter (Lord only knows what dark hidey-hole he crawled out of) and being in the kitchen I reached for the utensil container, whipped out my trusty tongs and plucked that spider off the counter and dropped him to his death in the sink.
You read that right
I drowned a hapless spider. But I would like to once again point out that HE invaded MY space.
And all creepy, crawly things that invade my space must meet an untimely end.
It's the law of the land at Jen The Giant Snake Killer's house.
What would YOU have done, you big sissies? Gone screaming into the night?
That's right I called you a sissy. What are you going to do about it?
I am after all, Jen the Giant Fearless Snake Killer, and I will tong you to your death if you cross me!!

Friday, October 12, 2007

to sum up

1) Krimpets have gone out to those that requested them. I apologize in advance if they are squished. But even squished Krimpets are good.

2) I have a begonia that I left for dead this summer. It has miraculously come back to life and is blooming like mad. I will post a picture on Monday.

3) When I went out to check on my miraculous begonia the other day I found the lifeless body of a wee mouse lying next to it. I believe this was the very same mouse that I rescued from the rapacious jaws of Althea the cat the day before. She brought it into the house. I demanded that she release it at once. She dropped the poor thing on the floor and I picked it up and put it outside. I guess she must have tracked it down.

4) If you are wondering how our cats bring wee beasties into the house, I’ll tell you. The sliding screen door has a hole in it big enough to allow the cats to come in and out. Not to mention the occasional neighborhood raccoon. Why don’t we fix it you ask? Because I would rather not spend my days as a doorman for our cats.

5) We call have our favorite cheesy movies that we watch every time they come on for me it’s Baby Boom, Overboard and Troop Beverly Hills, just to name three. For my husband, it’s Guarding Tess. And oddly enough, the other night, I came home to find him watching Hello, Dolly. What are your favorite cheesy movies?

6)Has anybody ever seen The All-Nighter? With Joan Cusak and the chick from The Bangles? Or how about Where the Heart Is? With Uma Thurman and Dabney Coleman? Am I the only person who has seen these movies and liked them?

7) And finally, do you know what happens to a person who shovels candy corn down their gaping maw all week???? They get blemishes. Like a teenager. I’ve got a big honkin’ one on my chin and is red and painful. It needs a hot compress.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

double-chin and muffin-top want to speak

If you think Thunder-thighs and Bubble Butt are ungrateful, then you REALLY don’t want to know what Double-chin and Muffin-top have to say about form-fitting turtleneck sweaters!!

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

to jen, with love

Dear Jen,

You are NEVER going to look good in a pencil skirt.

As such, we would appreciate if you would quit trying to stuff us into one.

You’re not Angelina Jolie going to pick-up Maddox from school, so quit trying. It’s just not going to happen.

Yours truly,

Thunder- thighs and bubble-butt.

PS: The ankles liked the cute red shoes you tried on the other day though. They said they never felt so trim and slim.

Friday, October 05, 2007

if i were....

If I were an hour of the day I would be… cocktail hour
If I were a planet I would be… Jupiter
If I were a direction I would be….this end up
If I were a piece of furniture I would be…an overstuffed chintz chair
If I were a liquid I would be….courage
If I were a sin I would be….found out
If I were a tree I would be …leafy
If I were a fruit I would be….juicy
If I were a climate I would be…dry
If I were a musical instrument I would be…out of tune
If I were an element I would be….an element of surprise
If I were a color I would be …..outside the lines
If I were an animal I would be….a porcupine..fat and prickly
If I were music I would be….muzak playing in the elevator of you mind
If I were a music style I would be….baroque
If I were a feeling I would be…..justifiable
If I were a book I would be….a paperback with a bookmark...ALWAYS a bookmark
If I were a food I would be….enjoyed with gusto
If I were a place I would be….a safe haven
If I were a flavor I would be…. rich and fruity with a generous amount of smoky oak
If I were a scent I would be…the smell of victory
If I were a word I would be….law. As in Jen’s word is “law”
If I were a verb I would be….modified by an adverb
If I were an object I would be…..adored
If I were a part of the body I would be….tanned and toned
If I were a facial expression I would be….poker faced
If I were a cartoon character I would be…. crudely drawn
If I were a movie I would be….foreign, with subtitles
If I were a shape I would be….pear shaped
If I were a number I would be…4
If I were a season I would be….hurricane season
If I were a sentence I would be….

“All good things must come to an end”

Thursday, October 04, 2007

all things sweet

today i've very nearly eaten my weight in candy corn.

i am offically entering into the fat and bloated stage.

that is all.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

jen fall down, go BOOM


Two weeks ago, as I was negotiating up my treacherous front steps, I lost my balance and fell down and grievously injured my right ham hock, not to mention scraping up my right elbow.

Here is pictorial evidence (I wore my new Hanes Her Way underwear for the picture).




I was going to post weekly pictures of the fading bruise but I didn’t know if you all could stand the excitement of repeatedly seeing me in my skivvies!!

I didn’t take a picture of the elbow, just know that it is healing nicely.
As a sign that it is healing, it itches like mad.

In the meantime, I’m resisting the urge to pick the scab. I’m waiting for it to fall off naturally.

Friday, September 28, 2007

Last call

This is your last chance for Krimpets. If you still want to try them ....email me at nejyerf@hotmail.com

For all of those who responded to my offer….just to give you a heads up….I’m real good on promising packages, but bad on sending them out in a timely manner. But I’ll do my level best.

I hope when you get your Krimpet that it is everything you thought it would be.

Tastykake should give me a commission!!

And since I’m all about snack love this week….. NJaney, if you are reading this….I DO have a cheesy salty snack for you. Email me your address and I’ll send a package out to you.

Oh and before I forget…..last week we ordered the Domino’s Oreo pizza.

Bad mistake.

It tasted like cardboard. I was SO very disappointed.

I soothed my injured tastebuds with real Oreos with the orange icing.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

one time offer



I am happy to report that there have been no recent incidences of animals both dead or alive in my home since last week.

I believe the squirrel was brought into the house as a protest against the current cat food.

Tom has switched up the cat food from Science Diet to Iams and the cats are unhappy and aren’t afraid to show it.

At long last I am going to introduce the uninitiated to the lovely snack known as the Krimpet. A Tale of a Tastykake Original In the summer of 1927, Tastykake bakers developed a recipe for a new finger-sized snack cake. The new cake tasted delicious but it fell apart when the bakers picked it up. To solve this problem, the baking tins were “krimped” to produce a cake that was easier to hold,and the rest is history.


Quick story:

Growing up in central Pennsylvania, the Philadelphia Phillies were the team to root for.

I don’t mention this to my husband especially since right now the Mets and the Phillies are neck and neck in the pennant race.

My dad used to watch the games on TV but listen to Harry Callas call the game on the radio. Inextricably entwined are the memories of summer evenings listening to Harry say, in his made for radio voice “struck him out” followed by the commercial for TastyKake.

“Nobody bakes a cake as tasty as a tastykake (tastykake)”

I wish I could find the jingle for you hear. It was such an innocuous little jingle and yet I remember it to this day.

If you read Janet Evanovich, Stephanie Plum often eats butterscotch Krimpet’s after a hard day’s bounty hunting.

So here’s my offer….if you too would like to try the butterscotchy, sponge cakiness that is a Krimpet, I will be more than happy to send you a sample.

Just email me your address to nejyerf@hotmail.com and I will send a package out to you.
Because I honestly don’t think that you should go through life not knowing what a Krimpet tastes like.

If you DON’T want a Krimpet (and really who doesn’t) but still would like a note from Jen the Giant Fearless Snake Killer email your address anyway and I’ll send you some love.







Friday, September 21, 2007

it's animal kingdom up in here

Happy Friday to me.

This morning I was awakened by my husband’s panicked cry of, “SHIT, I’m going to be late, the cats’ didn’t wake me”

Apparently, the cats come in and wake him up every morning.

But not today.

Today they were too busy stalking and killing Mr. Grey Squirrel.

And I know this because when I went downstairs this morning, I was treated to the sight of the limp, lifeless form of a dead squirrel lying on my living room floor. And if that’s not bad enough, next to it was an unsightly lump of cat vomit.

I’m not exactly sure why there was vomit.

Did the cats’ try to eat their prey and found that raw squirrel this early in the morning too rough on their delicate, Iams fed palates?

Or did they vomit after the excitement of the kill?

In any event, I was simply too aggravated with our worthless cats and quite frankly a bit skeeved out to pick up the dead beastie.

So I left all evidence of the carnage behind and went to work.

Tom will take care of it when he gets home.

I know, I know, Jen the Giant Fearless Snake Killer, overcome by a dead squirrel and a little cat vomit. She's not so fearless after all.

My only consolation is that they didn’t take their victim and hide it under the bed to rot like they did with the mouse.

Onward and upwards my friends, onward and upwards.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

time for a tag

It's hump day and as such, I'm going to do a tag:

I usually avoid tags like the plague, but Dana appealed to my vanity by complimenting my writing, so the very least I can do is reciprocate by doing the tag.

Luckily, this is one of those tags that forces a person to admit strange things about themselves.

So here goes, prepare to be shocked, awed, disgusted, repelled and yet strangely attracted….

Eight random facts/habits about me.


1) I like murder mystery books. The more gore the better. I used to like romance novels, but over the course of 13 years of married life, my eyes have been opened and I have realized that the definition of love and romance is being able to read your murder mystery book in solitude while your true love is downstairs watching football.



2) I like to pluck errant chin hairs. As a matter of fact, right now I'm sitting at my computer, plucking away between sentences.



3) I clip my toe-nails while sitting on the edge of the bed. Which in turn, means that
I will have occasion to remove a toe-nail clipping that has become embedded in the sole of my bare foot.

4) Sometimes when I tell someone they are in my prayers, I never really pray for them. I just say it to be nice at the time. I’m thinking I 'm going to hell for this one.



5) I haven't worn my engagement and wedding rings in years. My fingers got too fat and I didn't think I would ever get them off again. Then I lost a little weight and with copious amounts of hand lotion,I managed to get them off. Why don't I get them made bigger you ask? Probably for the same reason why I'm keeping a pair of size 8 jeans from college....because some day I'm going to fit into them again. Don't laugh...it COULD happen.


6) I don't like vegetables. Never have, never will. Raw carrots and celery makes my lips get all tingly and puffy and I start to wheeze if i eat too many of them. Peeling potatoes also makes me sneeze and wheeze. Why oh why couldn't I be allergic to oreos and butterscotch krimpets?



7) The last time I wore make-up was in May when I went to my sister-in-law's college graduation. Please refer to below photo.







8) I think I suffer from reverse anorexia, I put on an outfit and think to myself, you're looking pretty svelte in this outfit. But a picture is worth a thousand words. Please refer again to picture to the right. I'm having my picture taken, the least I could have done was suck in the gut don't you think?

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

I wanna be great like elvis but without the tassels....

I don’t like Nickelback.

There, I said it.

So sue me.

I think they are hacks.

Having said that, I LOVE their “Rockstar” song.

I listen to it repeatedly. Volume turned up as loud as I dare in my cubicle. Bobbing my head in time to the beat, like a geek.

“hey, hey I wanna be a rockstar”

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

barbara walters eat your heart out

The following is an interview held earlier this morning (in my head):

Internet Reporter: Good morning fellow Internets, I’m sitting here with Jen, The Giant Fearless Snake Killer.

IR: Good morning Jen, The Giant Fearless Snake Killer. Exactly how did you come by this name? There is some speculation that you didn't actually kill the snake that you found in your bedroom.

Jen: That is a completely false allegation. While I didn’t kill the snake with my bare hands, I most certainly did let him sit out in the hot sun and bake. And before you ask, I did NOT eat him. That was an attempt at humor

IR: I understand that you had a run-in with yet another of our outdoor friends?

Jen: Yes!! This morning I captured and released a wee frog that had mistakenly hopped into our living room. Little did he know that he wandered into the domain of Jen the Giant Fearless Snake Killer.

IR: Surely you jest!?

Jen: Nope, I assure you that I do not take matters of amphibian home invasion lightly

IR: How did this frog get into your house?

Jen: That matter is under investigation. We have two suspects, who we believe may have been accomplices in allowing the frog to enter the domicile. [Dig me and my cop-speak. Too many hours watching Law & Order!]

IR: Are you at all concerned that PETA may bring you under investigation for the unwarranted cruelty to animals in regards to your leaving the snake in the sun to die a brutal and unnecessary death?

Jen: PETA can kiss my ass. THEY didn't have a snake invade the sanctity of their bedroom at 7:30 in the morning.

IR: This whole story has made me shiver and the thought of eating a snake makes me gag.

Jen: Then my work here is done.

IR: Thank you for your time today, Jen “The Giant Fearless Snake Killer and Releaser of Wee Frogs”.

Jen: It has been my pleasure. Please tell your reading audience that if they need snakes killed or frogs released I’m their girl.

IR: Tune in next week when we discuss the cave crickets that are lurking in the dark, dank recesses of Jen's basement and how Jen plans to call in the professionals to remove them. An infestation of this magnitude is too much for even Jen "TGFSKAROWF" talents.

And now let's take some calls from our listeners.....
(i totally stole this idea from mannyed. why didn't i think of this first???)

Monday, September 10, 2007

Jen - The Giant Fearless Snake Killer

When last we met, I was nearly incoherent with fear over the snake that had wriggled its way under my dresser.

To pick up where I left off....

I called my husband to inform him of our reptilian interloper.

Below is a recap of the conversation:

Brringg, Brringgg (that's the telephone)

Voice on the other end: Good Morning, Garden Center, Tom speaking

Jen (in a state of near hysteria): THEREISASNAKEINTHEHOUSE!!!

Tom: What are you talking about?

Jen: There is a snake in the bedroom and it crawled under the dresser.

Tom: One of the cats probably brought it in.

Jen: It’s not very big, maybe 6” but still…….

Jen: How did it get upstairs?

Jen: Maybe there is a nest of them? Hiding under the bed. Or up in the boxsprings.

Jen: I can’t live in this house anymore. We’re going to have to move

Tom (very calm and rational): We'll talk about it when we get home.

Jen: Ok, bye

Please note that at no time did my husband offer to leave work and drive the nearly 20 miles back to our house in order to capture the snake and allay his beloved's fears. He knows I'm a tough-girl

After that irrational phone call, I went downstairs to take my shower, keeping my eyes peeled for any other snakes.

While in the shower, I decided that I would put my fears to the side and capture this snake if it was the last thing I would do. So on my way back upstairs, I detoured into the kitchen where I picked up a pair of tongs (you’ll see what they are for in just a minute) .

After getting dressed and watching for the snake the entire time, I girded my loins and moved the dresser, wholly anticipating a herd of snakes to come wriggling out.

Nothing, I did however, find three rubber hair bands, a button, the brush attachment to my hairdryer and my tweezers that went missing months ago.

Then I picked up an empty walmart bag (with the tongs) and do I really need to go into why I would keep an empty wal-mart bag behind my dresser? As I picked up the bag, out flew the beastly creature.

He was making a mad dash for the safe refuge underneath the dresser. But Jen, the Giant Fearless Snake Killer, managed to stomp on him. All the while, yelling at the long of her lungs.. “DIE, DIE, DIE”

Imagine my dismay when I discovered that stomping on a snake in sneakers on plush carpeting will not kill a snake, as a matter of fact it will barely even stun them.

He was escaping.

So I stomped on him again. This time a little bit of his pointy snake head was squirming out from underneath my shoe. I bent down (this is where the tongs come into play), plucked him up and deposited him into the purple, plastic waste can standing by for just this purpose.

Then I stood and watched as he frantically tried to escape. But the waste can was too smooth and all he could do was wriggle fruitlessly in the bottom of the can.

Holding the can with outstretched arms, I gingerly made my way downstairs and out to the back deck where I set the beast free to be snakelike with all his other snake buddies.

I kid you.

I let that vile creature sit in the baking sun all day to be fried into a snake-crisp.

And then I ate him..... with fava beans and a nice Chianti.

The End

Friday, September 07, 2007

"Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane"

This morning, as I was lying in bed bemoaning the fact that I had to get up soon, I was formulating a blog in my mind.

I was going to thank all you lovely internets for your suggestions for Robbie’s cat pee situation. And NO, NJaney, I don’t think she’s going to go for tossing the cat as the solution!

Then I was going to bitch a little bit about my sister-in-law. Not Jenny. (Stop by and say hello!) The other one. You remember her. The whole ashes in the cocktail sauce container thing? I won’t go into THAT again. But just know that she is aggravating me. I’ll save that for another day.

Then I was going to finish out my post with an explanation about krimpets and how much I love them and how you can learn to love them too.

But all of this fell by the wayside…..

Upon arising from my bed, I put on my glasses and grabbed my robe in preparation to going downstairs for my shower. As I rounded the foot of the bed, I spied what I thought was a piece of black string on the floor. When I bent down to pick up the piece of string it moved.

Correction.

It slithered..

That’s right, folks.

It was a SNAKE.

A SNAKE in my BEDROOM. A snake that slithered right under my dresser, presumably to take up permanent residence.

Where did it come from?

How did it get up the stairs?

Did the cats bring it in?

Now granted it was maybe 6” or so. But still.

It was a SNAKE.

I can’t live in this house anymore.

We are going to have to move.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

meow

Yesterday my friend Robbie told me a sad, sad tale about her cat, a suitcase and feline incontinence.

Yes folks…her cat peed in her suitcase. Her PACKED suitcase.

Why did her cat do such a thing? Ours is not to question why cats do anything. Ours is merely to clean up the mess.

Robbie asked me how to clean the suitcase.

My response?

Throw it out. Toss it. Eighty-six it.

Buy a new suitcase. And turn the peed in one into a litter box. Because that is all it’s good for now.

But perhaps I’m being too hasty?

What do you think? Is it possible to save the suitcase? She says it’s Samsonite. Part of a set. The biggest one.

Any and all suggestions will be taken under advisement.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

labor day recap

Labor Day turned out to be a day of labor for me.

Since we were hosting the fantasy football draft, of course we had to feed the drafters.

My uninspired menu consisted of:

Hamburgers
Hot dogs
3 – cheese macaroni and cheese
barbequed baked beans
broccoli slaw oh so good and NO mayo
3 kinds of mini-cheesecakes (strawberry, cherry and blueberry) – which I forgot to put out until too late so now I’m saddled with 20+ wee cheesecakes
various other nibbly things.

I can say with confidence that everyone left with full bellies and so far, no reports of food-poisoning.

Regarding the draft itself, my husband pulled the #1 out of the hat and got to be the first to make a pick.

Much to everyone’s surprise he chose Steven Jackson, a running back for the St. Louis Rams as his first round pick.

When asked why he didn’t pick the heavily favored LaDainian Tomlinson his explanation was two-fold: LT has a new coach and has a hard, 14-2 schedule. We’ll see if he is right as the season unfolds!!

In other, husband related news, he spent his 40th birthday very quietly. He did some much needed landscaping around the house and we went to Cracker Barrel for lunch – I had a gift card.

Sunday, his friends Jay and Flounder (fraternity pledge name) took him out to celebrate. My dearly beloved husband left with $200 in his pocket. He returned with approximately $3 in his pocket. The girls at the “Bada Bing”? Their G-strings were approximately $197 heavier! Although the drinks weren't cheap either.

Friday, August 31, 2007

labor day

Over this 2007 Labor Day Weekend I will be witnessing/participating in the following three very significant events:

1) My husband’s first days in his 40th decade (he turns 40 September 1)
2) The ritual packing away of my summer clothes
3) The fantasy football draft being held at our house Labor Day

The most important, hotly debated question regarding the draft?

Who's No. 1?
Who is fantasy's top player: Shaun Alexander, Larry Johnson or LaDainian Tomlinson?

I will let you know on Tuesday.

And so my beautiful internets…here’s wishing you a lovely Labor Day weekend.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Lunch Challenge

Sanna and I have an ongoing lunch challenge.

You all know Sanna right?

My best good friend since the 4th grade?

Say “Hi” Sanna

Here we are in 1996 - waiting for her boyfriend at the time to finish making us dinner....beef Oscar was on the menu. we were so cute and so young and so drunk..




But I digress…..as I was saying, we have a lunch challenge.

Nearly every day, I email Sanna what I’m having for lunch. This was yesterday’s challenge:

Jen: Today I am having an egg salad sandwich (from the roach coach) sun chips - french onion and a pepsi. followed by strawberry krimpets.

CHALLENGE


Sanna: turkey ham club from starbucks, one peach and one raspberry yogurt from Starbucks.

I’m never really sure who wins. The person with the most healthy and well balanced meal?

Or the person who has scraped the bottom of her snack drawer and fashioned a lunch from a can of tuna and lipton cup of soup and fortune cookies from a previous chinese lunch?

Either way, it’s a bright spot in both our days.


Today I’m having:

A Lean Cuisine meal - rosemary chicken – roasted chicken tenderloins in a garlic rosemary sauce, spinach and brown rice, Pepperidge farm goldfish, water and strawberry krimpets...again (because I have a whole box of them stashed in my snack cubby)

CHALLENGE!!

Monday, August 27, 2007

orange you glad i didn't say banana

I like the color orange.

Not particularly the blaze orange that hunters wear but all other oranges.

I have an orange skirt, orange wallet, orange and yellow plaid capri pants, orange trim on my new balance sneakers etc.

One of my favorite orange items is this mug that my mother got me for Christmas last year.


The mug says: ORANGE:

You are bold
Daring and a
Adventurous

You are fearless
Funny and
Cheerful

You love to talk

Your extroverted
and buoyant
attitude give you strength

I love this mug.

So imagine my distress to discover my beloved orange mug clutched in the dirty paws of my husband, who is CLEARLY not bold, daring and adventurous although he IS fearless obviously, since he dared to use my special mug, and he most certainly does not have a BUOYANT attitude (although he is definitely gaseous)

I firmly demanded that he unhand my orange mug and suggested that, in the future, he please use any of the other 25 mugs in the cupboard which are available for his personal use.

Perhaps the Giants mug that I bought him for Christmas might be a suitable exchange?

Now what have we learned from this story (other than Jen needs to practice her sharing skills?)

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

superficiality

Three very specific instances of my overwhelming superficiality:

1)Mandy Moore singing “Umbrella”. I don’t even LIKE Mandy Moore.
But she is singing the HELL out of this song.
I listen to this version at least four times a day.

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2) I'm seriously thinking of renting this Fendi bag.

This is actually a two part superficialty issue. I was watching Stacy London's Fashion Fanatic on TLC and to my amazement I learned that you can rent handbags and other accessories at www.bagborroworsteal.com

3) I don't watch Survivor. But I might start watching just for this:
His name is James Clement and his occupation is gravedigger. He can dig my grave anytime...ROOWWRRR!!!

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

The Hot August Night Party was neither Hot nor at Night…..discuss.

A pictorial review:

Our Gracious Hosts : Big Jim and Sue and Will (Sanna's Mom and Dad and nephew)


Sanna's Dave - he is tall and quiet and is a drummer in a band


Said Pow - Dave's Band



Sanna's Sister Johanna and Sue

Jimmy, Big Jim and Uncle Al - Jimmy is Sanna's older brother and I don't mind admitting that I had a minor crush on him growing up.



The food was on the picnic table - pulled pork sandwiches, chicken for tacos, corn on the cob, salad, cookies, endless amounts of food as only Sue can do.

The kegerator was doing a booming business.

The satiated guests were sprawled on the lawn listening to the live music when suddenly there was a commotion on the stage. The porch had torn away from its moorings against the side of house. The band had very nearly brought down the house!

All hands were called to save the kegerater, which was listing severely to the left.

This brought an effective end to the music portion of the evening.

Shortly thereafter the keg was kicked. In an ordinary family, this would have caused the party to come to a crashing halt. But Sanna's family are seasoned partyers so they hauled out the bottled beer and kept on drinking.

At that point, I called it quits and hied myself home with yet another Hot August Night under my belt.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

deathly hallows

Over the weekend I finally finished Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.


These are just a few of the Things That Fell By The Wayside whilst I read Deathly Hallows:

Laundry
– I am down to my last raggedy pair of underpants and if I don’t do laundry soon I’ll have to resort to that age old remedy of wearing a pair of my husband’s shorts. And don’t tell me you’ve never done that in a pinch!!

Pantry – We need the staples: bread and milk and Oreo cookies

Birthdays
– my nephew Jason turned 7 on the 11th and I owe him a birthday gift. Other people with birthdays in August include 1 father, 1 sister-in-law, 1 grandmother, 1 aunt and 1 cousin plus a grand-parents anniversary - 62 years. What do you get a couple that has been married that long? I’ll tell you. Gift certificates for dinner's out, baby. Any time Gma doesn’t have to cook is a good time for everyone. Except Aunt Jane, who at 50+ years of age still goes to her mother’s for dinner.

Netflix Queue – up next – Sunset Boulevard - Norma Desmond: I *am* big. It's the pictures that got small.

Personal maintenance – desperately need hair cut and lip and brow wax. We are getting a little wild and woolly. And someday I think I’ll get up the nerve and go all Brazilian just so I can say I’ve tried everything once.

Watching reruns of The Office – why hasn’t anyone told me I should be watching this show?! It’s brilliant. And I will admit it right here and now, at first I was strangely attracted to Dwight, but Kevin is growing on me.

Anticipating the party that I’m going to this weekend. It’s the annual “Hot August Night” at my friend Sanna’s family farm. Ostensibly, I’m going to the party because I was invited and I want be sociable and see people I haven’t seen in a while, but really I’m going to vet her new boyfriend. I must needs subject him to the rigorous “Are You Deemed Good Enough For My Best Friend” questions. We shall see.

Making ice cream in my kitchen maid. I had to go all over god’s little acre to find Heath bars. So this had better be the best damn ice cream EVER.


As a final note – late last night I was watching Larry King interview Priscilla Presley. Her face looks like it is made of plastic and could melt if gets too close to the sun.

Monday, August 13, 2007

take a ride on my "train of thought"

This is how my mind is running right now – thanks to the Prednisone…..

ESPN was on in the living room Saturday afternoon.

They were talking about the Kentucky Derby and they mentioned the Queen of England

My mind immediately goes to the thought that the Queen loves horses in all shapes and sizes.

Then it roams to the fact that the every time we ever see the Queen at ANY occasion she is wearing a dress or skirt.

Which leads me to think about the Queen having to shave her legs.

Which THEN makes me think….does the Queen shave her legs?

Does she sit in her gilded bathtub and bring out the Lady Bic and the shaving cream?

Or does she goes au naturel? And if she does shave her legs, does she do the whole leg or just to the knee?

Perhaps she has someone shave her legs for her? Isn’t that what Ladies-in-Waiting are for?

If I were Queen of England I would totally have someone come in and shave my legs for me. Wouldn’t you?


Now aren’t you glad you came along for the ride?

Thursday, August 09, 2007

twitter me happy

"to the left, to the left

all my thoughts in a box to the left"

look to your left.

i'm twittering now.

i have my brother-in-law the "amazing chris webb" to thank for this new level of internet insanity.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

linky-loos

1)on july 30 we celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary.



2) just remember you heard about alison krauss and robert plant here first

3) i'm currently crushing on dita von teese.


4) much to my surprise, delight and mystification, there was a package from amazon.com on my doorstep when i got home from work on friday. for one brief second, i thought i had mistakenly ordered TWO Deathly Hallows, one from barnes and noble (which i had received on the previous saturday and was patiently sitting on my bookcase waiting for me to finish the half blood prince), and one from amazon.com. iwas frantically wracking my brain as to whom i could pawn off the second book when commmon sense suggested i just open the box. and i found an Amy Sedaris book and an Absolutely Fabulous DVD had come unbidden to me from my good friend jess jones. now we are crushing on her a little bit today too!

5) from my netflix queue i am watching the office. WHY haven't i been watching this regularly? i'm also watching A Touch of Frost, which is a British cop show and i'm strangely attracted to David Jason, a short, balding, mustachioed, middle-aged Brit.




6)This little Kitchen Aid beauty has a place of prominence on my kitchen counter (she is tangerine)and she has a friend who, with the assistance of Ben and Jerry is going to help me make Coffee Heath Bar Crunch® Ice Cream

i'll let you know how it turns out

Thursday, August 02, 2007

ashes

My mother-in-law’s ashes are sitting on my mantel.

The fact that they have been up there for several weeks doesn’t bother me in the least.

What is bothering me is that my mother-in-law’s ashes are sitting on my mantel in a cocktail sauce container.

My first thought when I saw my husband put the container on the mantel was “I wonder if she even liked shrimp?”

I might be a little dead inside


Note:He was not responsible for putting her ashes in that container. That would be his clueless sister.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

let's all get some lesions - it's the latest thing

Let me quickly bring you up to speed:

Vocab lesson:

Paraesthesia is an extremely common symptom of multiple sclerosis occurring in 87% of people with MS at some point during the course of their disease.
Paraesthesia describes a number of abnormal sensations just about anywhere in the body. These include tingling, prickling, pins and needles, electrical-type buzzing, burning, skin crawling, itching, partial numbness (like feeling through tent-cloth) and a variety of neuropathic pains.

With the onset of this additional symptom, I made an appointment to see my neurologist.

Got scheduled for an MRI and found much to my dismay that two new lesions have appeared since my last MRI. One on the brain, which would account for the dyplopia and one on the neck (the paraesthesia)

This called for a round of IV steroids twice a day for a week.

CHEERS.

My fingers are greatly affected by this and it makes it bloody difficult to type, put in contacts, pick my nose etc. so bear with me.

Later on we can discuss the greater effects of MS and Solumedrol which include and most definitely NOT limited to: bladder control issues, blown veins, and constipation as well firm statements of “I’m right, you are wrong, now get me a glass of water and then piss off.”

That’s right, I get a little British when doped up.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

vacay recap

No man needs a vacation so much as the man who has just had one.” —Mark Twain

Three important facts I learned about Disney World:

1) Florida is hot and humid and it rains at least once a day
2) Shamu….much bigger in person
3) Crocs are the shoes du jour in Disney World. I saw them in every size and every color of the rainbow.

No pictures. I didn’t bring the camera. But I can borrow some from my sister-in-law if anybody desperately needs to see proof that I did go to Orlando.

Because MS and heat don’t really do well together, I passed on the character breakfast and the day-long excursion to Magic Kingdom. Instead, I stayed in the condo and got caught up on my reading and Netflix movies. Because in all honesty, my idea of a vacation is lying around reading and eating food prepared by someone else.

Places I DID get to see: Seaworld, Downtown Disney, MGM and the magnificent fireworks display at MGM on July 4th. There is a LOT of standing around and waiting at Disney. We sat for 45 minutes waiting to see the fireworks which lasted for approximately 7 minutes.

Also, the employees at Disney are preternaturally friendly and, given the fact that I come from New Jersey, I found the friendliness a bit disconcerting.

In other news, upon returning from vacation, the MS returned unbidden in the form of diplopia.

Diplopia = double vision. So basically, I’m seeing doubles of everything unless it is 2 feet in front of me.

At first I thought I thought it was eye strain, punishment for watching the entire 6th cycle of ANTM in reruns on Saturday. But by Tuesday I was seeing double. I bullied my way into the eye doctor’s office Tuesday night and had an emergency eye exam. Whereupon the Dr. told me that what I was experiencing was diplopia. He says he can give me prism glasses to help me see correctly. And he gave me an eye patch. If I put it over one eye, I can see well enough to drive.

I look like a pirate- ARRRGGGHHH!

This would have come in handy last week when the theme for the vacation was pirates.

A final note…when asked “Alex, what do pirates drink?” my husbands 2 year-old nephew has learned to say “RUM”. His mother has Uncle Tommy to thank for that.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

vacation

Have I told you?

I'm going to Orlando!!!

Leaving on Thursday (at 6:30am !!!!)

For a week.

A family vacation.

With the in-laws.

No worries, these are the fun in-laws.

If you are good internets, I’ll post some pictures upon my return.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

you could be next on the list!!

My cat – bring into the house just one more chipmunk that is feigning death and then miraculously springing to life and running for his/her life under the bookcase where it will eventually take up permanent residence, meet another rogue chipmunk and raise a family of wee chipmunks and I will banish you forever. Oh and eating grass and then vomiting on the living floor is not helping your cause!!

My fellow co-worker – keep on bitching that it’s too cold in the office and keep messing with the thermostat and will break every one of your fingers


My boss – ask me to revise the report I did for you one more time and I will quit.
QUIT I tell you!!

The rash on my flabby white belly – please just GO AWAY. You are unsightly, you itch and you are spreading and you will force me to break out the Magical Mystical Gel.

The woodpecker in the tree right outside my bedroom window pecking away at 5am – STOP PECKING!! You are loud and the pecking echoes throughout the neighborhood.

My husband – In a week we will be in Florida on a family vacation. But you are annoying me so very much right now that I don’t know if I can bear to spend a whole week with you. So for now……JUST STOP!!


a final note:
as i was proofreading my entry, i realized that i spelled "rogue - "rouge". And i pictured a little chipmunk all rouged and lipsticked up. and momentarily lost my aggravation.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Green

So there I was, sitting at my desk, blissfully eating my post- prandial Snickers bar while checking my emails.

I wasn’t really paying attention to what I was eating, other than to savor the chocolately, nutty gooeyness that is a Snickers bar, when I happened to glance down and saw that the filling was green.

GREEN I TELL YOU!!

It looked moldy.

I took a closer look at the packaging.

Folks, I had in my hand a Shrek the Third Snickers candy bar with “Green Shrek Filling”

They hasten to assure the consumer that it has the “same Snickers taste”.

I can assure you it does.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

the polite plumber

Yesterday we had a visit from the “Polite Plumber” – seriously, that’s the name of the company.

He installed a water filter and fixed the toilet.

No more filling up buckets of water to flush.

According to the Polite Plumber, after flushing, the toilet should fill up again in 30 seconds.

In a classic example of overachievement, ours filled up in 22 seconds flat.

We are so proud.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

just to let you know

When ANY sentence, prefaced by the above phrase, is uttered by my husband I know I’m in for a nice bit of bad news.

For instance, last week, when the well pump expired…

“Just to let you know…..we are out of water.”

Monday morning was no exception.

“Just to let you know…..the bathtub is backed up.”

Green slime was oozing from the drain and Jen had to take her shower standing in three inches of watery goo.

Just to let you know.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

i want to tell you....

I want to tell you in great depth and boring detail about how the well pump died and we were out of water last week.

I want to tell you how I broke the latch on the trunk of my car and have been driving around with the trunk bungie- corded and how the lid flaps in the breeze like a pair of long johns on the clothes line.

I want to tell you how I went to my father-in-laws house late Thursday evening after work to take a shower and how I fell as I was getting out of the shower and landed with a huge THUMP on the ceramic tile floor and hurt my right buttock. And how I sat on the floor of the bathroom in a big pink, naked lump and cried great tears of sorrow for myself.

I want to tell you how the well pump people came the next day and in the matter of an hour installed a new well pump. And then I want to tell you how I discovered that the toilet is not filling up fast enough and that we need to fill up buckets of water to flush the toilet.

I want to tell you that we are going to have to install a water filter.

I want to tell you how for months my husband and I have been circling warily around a subject that must be discussed with rationality and maturity. And how in my head I have my bottom line which is “if you value me and our marriage you’ll let this matter die”

I WANT to tell you all these things.

I find that I MUST tell you these things instead.....

this morning I clipped my fingernails and now I am able to type much faster and with greater accuracy.

last night I ate a soft pretzel and it was good

Monday night we watched “night at the museum”. it could have been better

susanna and I cancelled our yard sale. I still have 5 pastel colored feather trees for sale

right now, dinner is simmering away in the crock pot. chicken legs in an onion herb
sauce which I will serve over rice

my sister’s birthday was a month ago and her gift is still sitting waiting to be packed up and sent out.

ditto for the mother’s day gift for mum

and finally, tonight I’m watching the Top Chef Season 1 vs Season 2 Grudge match. That’s right….I watch Top Chef and Project Runway AND Shear Genuis.

All right, all right, you’ve forceed it out of me, I also watch Celebrity Fit Club.

As a final admission….last weekend TV Land ran a Kate and Allie marathon.

I watched it.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

panache

This morning, while watching E!’s “The Daily Ten”, I was excited to learn that suspenders are making a comeback.

Suspenders were a fad that I fully embraced when I was in 3rd grade and my mother bought me a pair of Mork from Ork rainbow suspenders.

When I was in 10th grade, and on the cutting edge of fashion, in an aborted effort to start a trend, I bought a pair of red paisley suspenders at the thrift store for 50¢ and wore them with style and panache.

Soon after, the suspenders lost their allure and I went on to wear inside-out sweatpants (never with the legs pushed up though) mismatched socks and a Lebanon Valley College sweatshirt that I took out of the lost and found, worn with either sneakers or penny loafers and panache.

Always with panache.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

rein, reign, go away

I was reading a blog earlier today and she said “…. I gave him free reign”.

I always thought it was “free rein” as in giving a horse free rein.

But I see how “reign” could work as well.

So which is it, “free rein” or “free reign”?

And now, after typing repeated drafts, both phrases have lost all meaning.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

live from NJ....boobies

Purely for vanity’s sake, I have squished me lovelies in a bra that is:

1) pale pink
2) an underwire
3) ever so slightly padded (not that I really need it)
4) and at the moment excruciatingly tight because it is a size too small

The result of this enforced agony?

The girls are flying high and proud.

Salute them as you pass by.

Friday, April 27, 2007

birthday wrap-up

Today I was gently reminded by my good friend Sanna, that I haven’t done a post-birthday post. Mostly I think she wants to see her name up in lights when I publicly thank her for remembering me on my birthday.

So here goes:

A big thanks goes out to my good friend Sanna. She purchased not one, not two , but THREE items from my amazon.com wish list.

None of the rest of you even came close – suckers!

I received several e-mail birthday greeting cards: Cousin Jeremiah, Aunt Renee and my friend Cory. And by the way, Cory if you are reading this, do you EVER check your emails?!?!

I also got a lovely birthday wish from my friend of high school days Missy Knepp, who, as it turns out, reads my blog and was worried because I haven’t posted in a while.

Explanations for the dearth of postings will be revealed at some point (all in good time, my pets)

To the rest of you knuckleheads, who because of my blatant attempt at garnering birthday wishes, were kind enough to actually respond with a “Happy Birthday”, let me know when it is your birthday and I will reciprocate in kind, because I’m cool like that.


My mother called me at 6pm. Because that was the official time I was born. I once again got to hear the miraculous story of my birth. Including the part where when I came out the Dr. turned to the nurse and said "here take her, she's piddling all over"

From my husband I got the following:
1) chinese take-out - the pu pu platter of which i ate most of it followed by chicken with cashew nuts for me and chicken lo mein for him

2) a foot rub- which was so lovely after 5 hours on my feet

3) complete control of the remote all night - we watched Ferris Bueller's Day Off - the annotated version. Did you know that the actor that played 18 year old Cameron was 30?

The evening progressed quietly and bouyed by the thought of a 30yr old sucessfully playing an 18yr old, I effortlessly entered my mid-thirties.



Thursday, April 19, 2007

as a reminder

April 22nd is my birthday.

I'll be 35.

Felicitations and birthdays wishes are now being accepted.