Wednesday, September 12, 2007

barbara walters eat your heart out

The following is an interview held earlier this morning (in my head):

Internet Reporter: Good morning fellow Internets, I’m sitting here with Jen, The Giant Fearless Snake Killer.

IR: Good morning Jen, The Giant Fearless Snake Killer. Exactly how did you come by this name? There is some speculation that you didn't actually kill the snake that you found in your bedroom.

Jen: That is a completely false allegation. While I didn’t kill the snake with my bare hands, I most certainly did let him sit out in the hot sun and bake. And before you ask, I did NOT eat him. That was an attempt at humor

IR: I understand that you had a run-in with yet another of our outdoor friends?

Jen: Yes!! This morning I captured and released a wee frog that had mistakenly hopped into our living room. Little did he know that he wandered into the domain of Jen the Giant Fearless Snake Killer.

IR: Surely you jest!?

Jen: Nope, I assure you that I do not take matters of amphibian home invasion lightly

IR: How did this frog get into your house?

Jen: That matter is under investigation. We have two suspects, who we believe may have been accomplices in allowing the frog to enter the domicile. [Dig me and my cop-speak. Too many hours watching Law & Order!]

IR: Are you at all concerned that PETA may bring you under investigation for the unwarranted cruelty to animals in regards to your leaving the snake in the sun to die a brutal and unnecessary death?

Jen: PETA can kiss my ass. THEY didn't have a snake invade the sanctity of their bedroom at 7:30 in the morning.

IR: This whole story has made me shiver and the thought of eating a snake makes me gag.

Jen: Then my work here is done.

IR: Thank you for your time today, Jen “The Giant Fearless Snake Killer and Releaser of Wee Frogs”.

Jen: It has been my pleasure. Please tell your reading audience that if they need snakes killed or frogs released I’m their girl.

IR: Tune in next week when we discuss the cave crickets that are lurking in the dark, dank recesses of Jen's basement and how Jen plans to call in the professionals to remove them. An infestation of this magnitude is too much for even Jen "TGFSKAROWF" talents.

And now let's take some calls from our listeners.....
(i totally stole this idea from mannyed. why didn't i think of this first???)


mannyed said...

and now let's take some calls from our listeners:

"Jenn, do you have a sign that says vacancy that only animals; reptiles and incets can read?"

Allknowingjen said...

"Hi Jenn, I am a big fan and have followed your snake killing career from the beginning. I am wondering, do you use a specific brand of Tongs? Are there tong features I should look for? Who makes the best Tongs for snake killing? Thanks, I'll take my answer off the air."

Anonymous said...

It's been 15 days since you've twittered. You're such a slacker.

kay said...

The day after the Giant Flood, I had a little toad in my basement. And, like you, I simply released him into the wild. (I swear, I'm not one of those, "Me, too! Everything you've done, I've done [better, more often, faster, etc.] too!" I'm really not. It's just that we may be conjoined twins who happen to live apart.)

Toads: acceptable intruders.

Snakes: must die.

3 Parrots Island said...

'amphibian home invasion'

Lady...I have to say...your writing just rocks my world.

Dana said...

Miss Jen (is it one n or two?) I so love your writing. You make me laugh. I hope you don't mind I've tagged you. That's right you are it. Please check my blog for instructions....:)

Kay said...

Jen the Giant Fearless Snake Killer and Releaser of Wee Frogs, you must tell me the secret to removing cave crickets from the dank recesses of a basement. Is it really as simple as calling a professional, or do I need to hone my amphibian removal skills like you? Thanks for taking my call!

Miah said...

LOL!!! Loved this post! Wow! Sounds like your house is becoming a haven for errant amphibians! I think I am fairly safe...snakes can't climb stairs...can they?