Tuesday, October 30, 2007

i love the smell of celebrities in the morning.....

Last week Sanna and I were discussing Amy Winehouse and lamenting about how bad she looks. I told Sanna that I think Amy probably smells pretty bad. A combination of Aquanet and unwashed hair.

Yesterday I found this at the Maxim website.

THEN I read about Britney giving the Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo a lap dance?
Which leads us to the question of the week courtesy of Sanna

“I wonder what Britney smells like?”

Sanna says “marlboro lights, blowpops, car leather, cheetos and wig sweat”

Your thoughts?

And yes, I am well aware that this could quite possibly be the most shallow blog post of all time.

Monday, October 29, 2007

if you believe in fairies then clap your hands....

In talking with my sister over the weekend, we discovered that we both have fairies at work in our house.

You know, the laundry fairy, the grocery fairy, the dinner fairy, the bill-paying fairy.

She is only one fairy, but does the work of many. Now that I think of it, maybe she’s not so much a fairy as a house elf. Like Dobby.

After I ranted to my husband about the abundance of fairies at work in our house, he got up Sunday morning and cleaned the bathroom, took out the garbage and vacuumed the living room.

I told you so:

On October 20, Max McGee, the Packer player who caught the first touchdown pass in the first Super Bowl game, died after falling off his roof.

What is NOT reported in this article, but what I am 100% sure happened, is that Mr. McGee’s wife told him NOT to go up on the roof to blow leaves. I pointed out to my husband, “this is what happens when you don’t listen to your wife!!”


I bought the Robert Plant/Alison Krauss CD that I told you about months ago. It's EXCELLENT. Is it wrong to tell you that I'll burn you a copy if you want?


We've had the freakiest weather this past weekend. On Saturday it was wet and rainy and warm. On Sunday it was cold. And this morning there was the merest suggestion of frost on my car.

Christmas gifts:

I've been looking for black bath towels. Do you KNOW how hard it is to find good quality black bath towels? I'll tell you. It's VERY hard. Suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Friday, October 26, 2007

zach attacks, happy balls and comments

I’ve decided….every Friday we’ll have a Zach Attack.
I’m going to swipe the pictures from my sister-in-law’s website. I swiped the name “Zach Attack” from her as well.

Here’s the first installment. In this photo, big brother is showing little brother the owl he made at daycare.

In other news: my lunch today was from Wingman. I had the chicken strips and fries. I offer a half-hearted “CHALLENGE” since it really wasn’t all that good. Although the Bar-B-Que dipping sauce was excellent.

I got a package in the mail Wednesday. It came all the way from Louisville, KY. Inside were two specialties of Louisville. The first was a box of Happy Balls and the second was a great big cookie with pecans from Kizito Cookies. The cookie was so big I was able to stretch it out for two days.

These lovely gifties came from Melody. She was a satisfied recipient of the Krimpet offer of 2007 and wanted to respond in kind. Now she is my new best friend. See how easily you can win my love? Just send me cookies and candy and I’m yours for eternity or until something newer and sweeter comes along.

FYI - this weekend the New York Football Giants are crossing the pond and will be playing the Miami Dolphins in London, baby! The Dolphins are currently 0-7. I’m predicting an easy win for the Giants.

Has anybody tried the Sierra Mist Cranberry Splash? Should I get it or not? Please advise.

Are you all using that new feature of subscribing to comments that blogger is offering? It's a genius idea. I've always been hesitant about responding to comments left because I wasn't sure if people actually wanted to come back and review the comments. But now that they are doing this new thing. I think I WILL comment on your comments.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

mid-week thoughts

1) In my never-ending quest for all things orange, I found this:

Its got tangerine, lemon grass and aloe. Now my head smells like a giant tangerine.

2) Have I told you about my grand plan to buy at least one Christmas present a week? No? I’ll tell you now. The idea is to buy at least one Christmas present per week right up until the week before Christmas. Then all that will be left to do is a mad flurry of wrapping. So far it’s been working. I’m building up a quite a nice stash in the guest bedroom. Now I just need to pick out Christmas cards. Seriously. I'm going to be organized this year if it frickin' kills me.

3) How many Anne of Green Gables fans do we have in the audience? Raise your hands. C'mon, don't be shy. Our numbers are legion and we always welcome new members. My mother, also a fan, emailed me this the other day. I'm not totally on board with the idea. I think they should leave well enough alone. Thoughts?

4)The state of California is evacuating people near the fires that are raging out of control. This makes me stop and think "if i were evacuated from my home with the expectation of coming back and finding my house burnt to a crisp, what would i take with me". Aside from the cats and important papers, that is. Would I take all the photo albums? or as many of my books as possible? or the movies we've collected over the years? or the the artwork that i so painstakingly chose and had framed? or the christmas cactus that i've nurtured and babied along for years? or the mixing bowls i inherited from my grandmother? i know these are all material things. things i could live without but still.....
What would you take with you?

5) True confession time: Last night, as I was driving home from work, I was noshing on chedder cheese combos (the cracker kind not the pretzel). I put the bag in my lap and was eating and driving. Then I remembered I wanted to get gas before I went home, so I made a hard right into the gas station and the bag of combos slid off my lap and spilled onto the floor. After parking the car next to the gas pump and telling the lovely russian man to "fill it up regular", i unhooked the seatbelt and bent over to inspect the damage. Only 6 combos had escaped the bag and were lying on the floor mat. So I scooped them up and ate them. The lady in the white explorer next to me was staring at me with a mixture of fascination and repulsion on her face. I just looked at her blankly and continued eating combos, this time from the bag. Eating food off the floor mat is gross I know, but what do you do when you think no one is looking??

Friday, October 19, 2007

welcome zach

On Sunday morning, my sister-in-law and her husband welcomed their second son into the world.

Behold the beauty that is Zachary Willard Webb:

Zach's big brother Alex came to the hospital to meet him. Look how gently he is reaching out to touch his baby brother. Look how tightly he's holding on to his granddad's finger. From what I understand, Alex is still quite firm in his conviction that he will not be sharing his Thomas the Tank train with Zach any time soon!!

Uncle Tom was singularly impressed with the fact that of all the football Sundays Zach could have been born on, he chose last Sunday, which was the Colts' bye week. The Webb's are from IN and by default are Colts fans, although I suspect that Mama Webb secretly roots for the Giants since she is and always will be a Jersey girl.

We will get to meet Zach at Christmastime when he and his big brother and parents will drive out to NJ. At which time Aunt Jen will once again have to supress those urges to run right home and get pregnant!!

Thursday, October 18, 2007

you are what you eat

Internet Reporter: Good afternoon, denizens of the Internet World, we are coming to you live from Jen's cubicle where we are about to discover what Jen had for lunch today. As you may recall, Jen and her best good friend Sanna often engage in lunch challenges.
Today we went first to Sanna's office where we learned that for lunch she had the following:
an italian hoagie, well packaged, generous with the lettuce, THREE slices of tomato, wrapped in plastic and placed inside a 12 inch, soft white hoagie roll, from a united way sale. very good salami, good cheese, 2 mayo packets, 2 mustard, AND a tiny little travel cup of red pepper sauce that NO ONE ever gives out anymore

Now on to our live interview:

Internet Reporter: Good afternoon, Jen. It's nice to see you again. The last time we spoke you had just killed a snake. Anymore instances of snake killing to report?

Jen: Hello Internet Reporter, I am pleased to tell you that my house/bedroom has been snake free for quite some time. But I'd really rather not speak of that since snakes give me the willies.

IR: Moving on then, we just came from the offices of your best good friend Sanna and she has thrown down the "Lunch Challenge" gauntlet. What did you have for lunch today? The Internet World wants to know.

Jen: I'm so glad you asked me, Internet Reporter, I had sweet and sour chicken with pork fried rice from "The China King - we deliver". CHALLENGE!!

IR: Sounds good but a trifle ordinary. Not impressive enough to win the "Lunch Challenge". What did you have for lunch yesterday?

Jen: Yesterday, I had sweet and sour chicken with pork fried rice from "The China King - we deliver".

IR: Nope, I'm afraid Sanna is still in the lead. How about dinner? What new and exciting meal did you concoct for dinner last night?

Jen: Ah, dinner. For dinner I mixed it up a little and had chicken and broccoli, green beans and white rice.

Jen: From the Chinese Buffet.

IR: !!!!

Jen: My husband came home from work last night and suggested we go out to eat. To the Chinese Buffet. And even though I had Chinese for lunch I said "yes, let's go"

Because if there is one thing I've learned in 13 years of marriage, it's to jump at the chance to go out to dinner!!

IR: Ah so.

IR: It looks like Sanna is the clear winner, and if we are to believe that old adage "you are what you eat", then you must be Chinese!!

Jen: 是蠢貨!

Jen: 早晨好對

Jen: 我將有您下次, Sanna!

IR: Until next time, this has been the lunchtime edition of Internet Reporter Interviews: Chinese Jen

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

this tong's for you

I've gone global!
Tales of the exploits of Jen the Giant Fearless Snake Killer have reached such epic proportions that even our friends in Italy have heard of them!
I received an email from Andrea = Andrew from somewhere in Italy, who says he read my snake killing story and that it reminded him of a painting he did. He sent me a copy of the picture.

The picture has the two things I fear most in life: snakes and bare feet. It made me shiver.

But I can appreciate the artistry.

Maybe this post will encourage Andrea to start his own blog that will feature more of his art? He says he's done many drawings dedicated to the theme of women defeating snakes.
When I told Andrea that bare feet creep me out, he pointed out that the brave woman in this picture actually defeated her snake while wearing fabulous sandals with a pearl strap.
You will recall that I vanquished my snake with a pair of 9" Oxo kitchen tongs. I'd like to see that picture!!
Speaking of tongs, last night I found a giant, horking spider lurking on the kitchen counter (Lord only knows what dark hidey-hole he crawled out of) and being in the kitchen I reached for the utensil container, whipped out my trusty tongs and plucked that spider off the counter and dropped him to his death in the sink.
You read that right
I drowned a hapless spider. But I would like to once again point out that HE invaded MY space.
And all creepy, crawly things that invade my space must meet an untimely end.
It's the law of the land at Jen The Giant Snake Killer's house.
What would YOU have done, you big sissies? Gone screaming into the night?
That's right I called you a sissy. What are you going to do about it?
I am after all, Jen the Giant Fearless Snake Killer, and I will tong you to your death if you cross me!!

Friday, October 12, 2007

to sum up

1) Krimpets have gone out to those that requested them. I apologize in advance if they are squished. But even squished Krimpets are good.

2) I have a begonia that I left for dead this summer. It has miraculously come back to life and is blooming like mad. I will post a picture on Monday.

3) When I went out to check on my miraculous begonia the other day I found the lifeless body of a wee mouse lying next to it. I believe this was the very same mouse that I rescued from the rapacious jaws of Althea the cat the day before. She brought it into the house. I demanded that she release it at once. She dropped the poor thing on the floor and I picked it up and put it outside. I guess she must have tracked it down.

4) If you are wondering how our cats bring wee beasties into the house, I’ll tell you. The sliding screen door has a hole in it big enough to allow the cats to come in and out. Not to mention the occasional neighborhood raccoon. Why don’t we fix it you ask? Because I would rather not spend my days as a doorman for our cats.

5) We call have our favorite cheesy movies that we watch every time they come on for me it’s Baby Boom, Overboard and Troop Beverly Hills, just to name three. For my husband, it’s Guarding Tess. And oddly enough, the other night, I came home to find him watching Hello, Dolly. What are your favorite cheesy movies?

6)Has anybody ever seen The All-Nighter? With Joan Cusak and the chick from The Bangles? Or how about Where the Heart Is? With Uma Thurman and Dabney Coleman? Am I the only person who has seen these movies and liked them?

7) And finally, do you know what happens to a person who shovels candy corn down their gaping maw all week???? They get blemishes. Like a teenager. I’ve got a big honkin’ one on my chin and is red and painful. It needs a hot compress.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

double-chin and muffin-top want to speak

If you think Thunder-thighs and Bubble Butt are ungrateful, then you REALLY don’t want to know what Double-chin and Muffin-top have to say about form-fitting turtleneck sweaters!!

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

to jen, with love

Dear Jen,

You are NEVER going to look good in a pencil skirt.

As such, we would appreciate if you would quit trying to stuff us into one.

You’re not Angelina Jolie going to pick-up Maddox from school, so quit trying. It’s just not going to happen.

Yours truly,

Thunder- thighs and bubble-butt.

PS: The ankles liked the cute red shoes you tried on the other day though. They said they never felt so trim and slim.

Friday, October 05, 2007

if i were....

If I were an hour of the day I would be… cocktail hour
If I were a planet I would be… Jupiter
If I were a direction I would be….this end up
If I were a piece of furniture I would be…an overstuffed chintz chair
If I were a liquid I would be….courage
If I were a sin I would be….found out
If I were a tree I would be …leafy
If I were a fruit I would be….juicy
If I were a climate I would be…dry
If I were a musical instrument I would be…out of tune
If I were an element I would be….an element of surprise
If I were a color I would be …..outside the lines
If I were an animal I would be….a porcupine..fat and prickly
If I were music I would be….muzak playing in the elevator of you mind
If I were a music style I would be….baroque
If I were a feeling I would be…..justifiable
If I were a book I would be….a paperback with a bookmark...ALWAYS a bookmark
If I were a food I would be….enjoyed with gusto
If I were a place I would be….a safe haven
If I were a flavor I would be…. rich and fruity with a generous amount of smoky oak
If I were a scent I would be…the smell of victory
If I were a word I would be….law. As in Jen’s word is “law”
If I were a verb I would be….modified by an adverb
If I were an object I would be…..adored
If I were a part of the body I would be….tanned and toned
If I were a facial expression I would be….poker faced
If I were a cartoon character I would be…. crudely drawn
If I were a movie I would be….foreign, with subtitles
If I were a shape I would be….pear shaped
If I were a number I would be…4
If I were a season I would be….hurricane season
If I were a sentence I would be….

“All good things must come to an end”

Thursday, October 04, 2007

all things sweet

today i've very nearly eaten my weight in candy corn.

i am offically entering into the fat and bloated stage.

that is all.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

jen fall down, go BOOM

Two weeks ago, as I was negotiating up my treacherous front steps, I lost my balance and fell down and grievously injured my right ham hock, not to mention scraping up my right elbow.

Here is pictorial evidence (I wore my new Hanes Her Way underwear for the picture).

I was going to post weekly pictures of the fading bruise but I didn’t know if you all could stand the excitement of repeatedly seeing me in my skivvies!!

I didn’t take a picture of the elbow, just know that it is healing nicely.
As a sign that it is healing, it itches like mad.

In the meantime, I’m resisting the urge to pick the scab. I’m waiting for it to fall off naturally.