Thursday, March 15, 2007

thighs are us

Running in an endless loop through my head – “64, 64, 64 Zoo Lane”

For those of you not in the know, it’s a show on Noggin.


Also for those of you not in the know, I am out of baby powder.

That’s right. I use baby powder.

Hey listen, if YOU had the thunder thighs I have, you’d be using something to keep the chafing down to a minimum too!

So the endless loop of “64, 64, 64 Zoo Lane is accompanied by the “swish, swish” of un-powdered thighs.

did i ever tell you about the time i went to a formal event in the city? i wore pantyhose that had shiny stuff shot through them. it made the pantyhose rough to the touch. the rubbing together of my massive thighs against the rough panthyhouse created such friction that it nearly caused a small fire. and basically reduced my inner thighs to a red mass of raw flesh. my mother said it is called "galling". And apparently it runs in the family as my father (a big guy) is afflicted with the same problem from time to time. Especially in the summertime.

Also, the dress that I wore to the formal event? The zipper broke. Because I squeezed myself into a dress that fit as long as I stayed standing. The first time I sat down in the taxi I felt a pop. I had to get the attendent in the Ladies bathroom at the Waldorf Astoria to sew me into the dress. For the rest of the night, I made my friend walk into the room right behind me. And I stood with my back to a wall. After several healthy vodka tonics though, the zipper became a non-issue.

The next morning, I walked bowlegged. Like I was rode hard and put away wet.

It was a miserable night.

6 comments:

Michael C said...

HAHAHAHAHA!!!
Jen, you absolutely kill me. I think that's why I love reading your blog so much...you always make me feel better by having a good laugh. Thank you!! Hope you're doing good.

Cousin Mike

NJaney said...

Too fckin funny. Seriously. I love it.

Katie Lady said...

I, too, use baby powder. Couldn't get by without it.

Thanks for the moving wishes, but I have to ask....what's wrong with the Lubbock hospital, and when, in God's name, were you in Lubbock? I'm so curious....

Jen said...

Hey, baby powder isn't just used by us women who have a little more meat on the thighs! During my wedding it was used by one and all, even my bridesmaid who was a size 4! The stuff is a Godsend!

Jenny said...

Love the baby powder! It's a female necessity! To Katie Lady - Lubbock, Texas has had TWO nationwide newsworthy incidents of baby abductions from hospitals! They have no security measures!

Bethydiane said...

My first prom sophomore year I borrowed a dress from a tiny friend of my mom. It fit me like a glove, especially around the hips. My boyfriend at the time drove a truck and when I went to get out of it at the restaurant, the slit in my dress became an even bigger slit. So I too had to be sewn up in the bathroom by the hostess and my girlfriends. It was a black dress... and white thread.

I don't use baby powder; I use shower to shower. Same thing. All women should.