The Hot August Night Party was neither Hot nor at Night…..discuss.

A pictorial review:

Our Gracious Hosts : Big Jim and Sue and Will (Sanna's Mom and Dad and nephew)


Sanna's Dave - he is tall and quiet and is a drummer in a band


Said Pow - Dave's Band



Sanna's Sister Johanna and Sue

Jimmy, Big Jim and Uncle Al - Jimmy is Sanna's older brother and I don't mind admitting that I had a minor crush on him growing up.



The food was on the picnic table - pulled pork sandwiches, chicken for tacos, corn on the cob, salad, cookies, endless amounts of food as only Sue can do.

The kegerator was doing a booming business.

The satiated guests were sprawled on the lawn listening to the live music when suddenly there was a commotion on the stage. The porch had torn away from its moorings against the side of house. The band had very nearly brought down the house!

All hands were called to save the kegerater, which was listing severely to the left.

This brought an effective end to the music portion of the evening.

Shortly thereafter the keg was kicked. In an ordinary family, this would have caused the party to come to a crashing halt. But Sanna's family are seasoned partyers so they hauled out the bottled beer and kept on drinking.

At that point, I called it quits and hied myself home with yet another Hot August Night under my belt.

deathly hallows

Over the weekend I finally finished Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.


These are just a few of the Things That Fell By The Wayside whilst I read Deathly Hallows:

Laundry – I am down to my last raggedy pair of underpants and if I don’t do laundry soon I’ll have to resort to that age old remedy of wearing a pair of my husband’s shorts. And don’t tell me you’ve never done that in a pinch!!

Pantry – We need the staples: bread and milk and Oreo cookies

Birthdays – my nephew Jason turned 7 on the 11th and I owe him a birthday gift. Other people with birthdays in August include 1 father, 1 sister-in-law, 1 grandmother, 1 aunt and 1 cousin plus a grand-parents anniversary - 62 years. What do you get a couple that has been married that long? I’ll tell you. Gift certificates for dinner's out, baby. Any time Gma doesn’t have to cook is a good time for everyone. Except Aunt Jane, who at 50+ years of age still goes to her mother’s for dinner.

Netflix Queue – up next – Sunset Boulevard - Norma Desmond: I *am* big. It's the pictures that got small.

Personal maintenance – desperately need hair cut and lip and brow wax. We are getting a little wild and woolly. And someday I think I’ll get up the nerve and go all Brazilian just so I can say I’ve tried everything once.

Watching reruns of The Office – why hasn’t anyone told me I should be watching this show?! It’s brilliant. And I will admit it right here and now, at first I was strangely attracted to Dwight, but Kevin is growing on me.

Anticipating the party that I’m going to this weekend. It’s the annual “Hot August Night” at my friend Sanna’s family farm. Ostensibly, I’m going to the party because I was invited and I want be sociable and see people I haven’t seen in a while, but really I’m going to vet her new boyfriend. I must needs subject him to the rigorous “Are You Deemed Good Enough For My Best Friend” questions. We shall see.

Making ice cream in my kitchen maid. I had to go all over god’s little acre to find Heath bars. So this had better be the best damn ice cream EVER.


As a final note – late last night I was watching Larry King interview Priscilla Presley. Her face looks like it is made of plastic and could melt if gets too close to the sun.

take a ride on my "train of thought"

This is how my mind is running right now – thanks to the Prednisone…..

ESPN was on in the living room Saturday afternoon.

They were talking about the Kentucky Derby and they mentioned the Queen of England

My mind immediately goes to the thought that the Queen loves horses in all shapes and sizes.

Then it roams to the fact that the every time we ever see the Queen at ANY occasion she is wearing a dress or skirt.

Which leads me to think about the Queen having to shave her legs.

Which THEN makes me think….does the Queen shave her legs?

Does she sit in her gilded bathtub and bring out the Lady Bic and the shaving cream?

Or does she goes au naturel? And if she does shave her legs, does she do the whole leg or just to the knee?

Perhaps she has someone shave her legs for her? Isn’t that what Ladies-in-Waiting are for?

If I were Queen of England I would totally have someone come in and shave my legs for me. Wouldn’t you?


Now aren’t you glad you came along for the ride?

twitter me happy

"to the left, to the left

all my thoughts in a box to the left"

look to your left.

i'm twittering now.

i have my brother-in-law the "amazing chris webb" to thank for this new level of internet insanity.

linky-loos

1)on july 30 we celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary.

2) just remember you heard about alison krauss and robert plant here first

3) i'm currently crushing on dita von teese.


4) much to my surprise, delight and mystification, there was a package from amazon.com on my doorstep when i got home from work on friday. for one brief second, i thought i had mistakenly ordered TWO Deathly Hallows, one from barnes and noble (which i had received on the previous saturday and was patiently sitting on my bookcase waiting for me to finish the half blood prince), and one from amazon.com. iwas frantically wracking my brain as to whom i could pawn off the second book when commmon sense suggested i just open the box. and i found an Amy Sedaris book and an Absolutely Fabulous DVD had come unbidden to me from my good friend jess jones. now we are crushing on her a little bit today too!

5) from my netflix queue i am watching the office. WHY haven't i been watching this regularly? i'm also watching A Touch of Frost, which is a British cop show and i'm strangely attracted to David Jason, a short, balding, mustachioed, middle-aged Brit.

6)This little Kitchen Aid beauty has a place of prominence on my kitchen counter (she is tangerine)and she has a friend who, with the assistance of Ben and Jerry is going to help me make Coffee Heath Bar Crunch® Ice Cream

i'll let you know how it turns out

ashes

My mother-in-law’s ashes are sitting on my mantel.

The fact that they have been up there for several weeks doesn’t bother me in the least.

What is bothering me is that my mother-in-law’s ashes are sitting on my mantel in a cocktail sauce container.

My first thought when I saw my husband put the container on the mantel was “I wonder if she even liked shrimp?”

I might be a little dead inside


Note:He was not responsible for putting her ashes in that container. That would be his clueless sister.

let's all get some lesions - it's the latest thing

Let me quickly bring you up to speed:

Vocab lesson:

Paraesthesia is an extremely common symptom of multiple sclerosis occurring in 87% of people with MS at some point during the course of their disease.
Paraesthesia describes a number of abnormal sensations just about anywhere in the body. These include tingling, prickling, pins and needles, electrical-type buzzing, burning, skin crawling, itching, partial numbness (like feeling through tent-cloth) and a variety of neuropathic pains.

With the onset of this additional symptom, I made an appointment to see my neurologist.

Got scheduled for an MRI and found much to my dismay that two new lesions have appeared since my last MRI. One on the brain, which would account for the dyplopia and one on the neck (the paraesthesia)

This called for a round of IV steroids twice a day for a week.

CHEERS.

My fingers are greatly affected by this and it makes it bloody difficult to type, put in contacts, pick my nose etc. so bear with me.

Later on we can discuss the greater effects of MS and Solumedrol which include and most definitely NOT limited to: bladder control issues, blown veins, and constipation as well firm statements of “I’m right, you are wrong, now get me a glass of water and then piss off.”

That’s right, I get a little British when doped up.

vacay recap

“No man needs a vacation so much as the man who has just had one.” —Mark Twain

Three important facts I learned about Disney World:

1) Florida is hot and humid and it rains at least once a day
2) Shamu….much bigger in person
3) Crocs are the shoes du jour in Disney World. I saw them in every size and every color of the rainbow.

No pictures. I didn’t bring the camera. But I can borrow some from my sister-in-law if anybody desperately needs to see proof that I did go to Orlando.

Because MS and heat don’t really do well together, I passed on the character breakfast and the day-long excursion to Magic Kingdom. Instead, I stayed in the condo and got caught up on my reading and Netflix movies. Because in all honesty, my idea of a vacation is lying around reading and eating food prepared by someone else.

Places I DID get to see: Seaworld, Downtown Disney, MGM and the magnificent fireworks display at MGM on July 4th. There is a LOT of standing around and waiting at Disney. We sat for 45 minutes waiting to see the fireworks which lasted for approximately 7 minutes.

Also, the employees at Disney are preternaturally friendly and, given the fact that I come from New Jersey, I found the friendliness a bit disconcerting.

In other news, upon returning from vacation, the MS returned unbidden in the form of diplopia.

Diplopia = double vision. So basically, I’m seeing doubles of everything unless it is 2 feet in front of me.

At first I thought I thought it was eye strain, punishment for watching the entire 6th cycle of ANTM in reruns on Saturday. But by Tuesday I was seeing double. I bullied my way into the eye doctor’s office Tuesday night and had an emergency eye exam. Whereupon the Dr. told me that what I was experiencing was diplopia. He says he can give me prism glasses to help me see correctly. And he gave me an eye patch. If I put it over one eye, I can see well enough to drive.

I look like a pirate- ARRRGGGHHH!

This would have come in handy last week when the theme for the vacation was pirates.

A final note…when asked “Alex, what do pirates drink?” my husbands 2 year-old nephew has learned to say “RUM”. His mother has Uncle Tommy to thank for that.

vacation

Have I told you?

I'm going to Orlando!!!

Leaving on Thursday (at 6:30am !!!!)

For a week.

A family vacation.

With the in-laws.

No worries, these are the fun in-laws.

If you are good internets, I’ll post some pictures upon my return.

you could be next on the list!!

My cat – bring into the house just one more chipmunk that is feigning death and then miraculously springing to life and running for his/her life under the bookcase where it will eventually take up permanent residence, meet another rogue chipmunk and raise a family of wee chipmunks and I will banish you forever. Oh and eating grass and then vomiting on the living floor is not helping your cause!!

My fellow co-worker – keep on bitching that it’s too cold in the office and keep messing with the thermostat and will break every one of your fingers

My boss – ask me to revise the report I did for you one more time and I will quit.
QUIT I tell you!!

The rash on my flabby white belly – please just GO AWAY. You are unsightly, you itch and you are spreading and you will force me to break out the Magical Mystical Gel.

The woodpecker in the tree right outside my bedroom window pecking away at 5am – STOP PECKING!! You are loud and the pecking echoes throughout the neighborhood.

My husband – In a week we will be in Florida on a family vacation. But you are annoying me so very much right now that I don’t know if I can bear to spend a whole week with you. So for now……JUST STOP!!

a final note:
as i was proofreading my entry, i realized that i spelled "rogue - "rouge". And i pictured a little chipmunk all rouged and lipsticked up. and momentarily lost my aggravation.

Green

So there I was, sitting at my desk, blissfully eating my post- prandial Snickers bar while checking my emails.

I wasn’t really paying attention to what I was eating, other than to savor the chocolately, nutty gooeyness that is a Snickers bar, when I happened to glance down and saw that the filling was green.

GREEN I TELL YOU!!

It looked moldy.

I took a closer look at the packaging.

Folks, I had in my hand a Shrek the Third Snickers candy bar with “Green Shrek Filling”

They hasten to assure the consumer that it has the “same Snickers taste”.

I can assure you it does.

the polite plumber

Yesterday we had a visit from the “Polite Plumber” – seriously, that’s the name of the company.

He installed a water filter and fixed the toilet.

No more filling up buckets of water to flush.

According to the Polite Plumber, after flushing, the toilet should fill up again in 30 seconds.

In a classic example of overachievement, ours filled up in 22 seconds flat.

We are so proud.

just to let you know

When ANY sentence, prefaced by the above phrase, is uttered by my husband I know I’m in for a nice bit of bad news.

For instance, last week, when the well pump expired…

“Just to let you know…..we are out of water.”

Monday morning was no exception.

“Just to let you know…..the bathtub is backed up.”

Green slime was oozing from the drain and Jen had to take her shower standing in three inches of watery goo.

Just to let you know.

i want to tell you....

I want to tell you in great depth and boring detail about how the well pump died and we were out of water last week.

I want to tell you how I broke the latch on the trunk of my car and have been driving around with the trunk bungie- corded and how the lid flaps in the breeze like a pair of long johns on the clothes line.

I want to tell you how I went to my father-in-laws house late Thursday evening after work to take a shower and how I fell as I was getting out of the shower and landed with a huge THUMP on the ceramic tile floor and hurt my right buttock. And how I sat on the floor of the bathroom in a big pink, naked lump and cried great tears of sorrow for myself.

I want to tell you how the well pump people came the next day and in the matter of an hour installed a new well pump. And then I want to tell you how I discovered that the toilet is not filling up fast enough and that we need to fill up buckets of water to flush the toilet.

I want to tell you that we are going to have to install a water filter.

I want to tell you how for months my husband and I have been circling warily around a subject that must be discussed with rationality and maturity. And how in my head I have my bottom line which is “if you value me and our marriage you’ll let this matter die”

I WANT to tell you all these things.

I find that I MUST tell you these things instead.....

this morning I clipped my fingernails and now I am able to type much faster and with greater accuracy.

last night I ate a soft pretzel and it was good

Monday night we watched “night at the museum”. it could have been better

susanna and I cancelled our yard sale. I still have 5 pastel colored feather trees for sale

right now, dinner is simmering away in the crock pot. chicken legs in an onion herb
sauce which I will serve over rice

my sister’s birthday was a month ago and her gift is still sitting waiting to be packed up and sent out.

ditto for the mother’s day gift for mum

and finally, tonight I’m watching the Top Chef Season 1 vs Season 2 Grudge match. That’s right….I watch Top Chef and Project Runway AND Shear Genuis.

All right, all right, you’ve forceed it out of me, I also watch Celebrity Fit Club.

As a final admission….last weekend TV Land ran a Kate and Allie marathon.

I watched it.

panache

This morning, while watching E!’s “The Daily Ten”, I was excited to learn that suspenders are making a comeback.

Suspenders were a fad that I fully embraced when I was in 3rd grade and my mother bought me a pair of Mork from Ork rainbow suspenders.

When I was in 10th grade, and on the cutting edge of fashion, in an aborted effort to start a trend, I bought a pair of red paisley suspenders at the thrift store for 50¢ and wore them with style and panache.

Soon after, the suspenders lost their allure and I went on to wear inside-out sweatpants (never with the legs pushed up though) mismatched socks and a Lebanon Valley College sweatshirt that I took out of the lost and found, worn with either sneakers or penny loafers and panache.

Always with panache.

rein, reign, go away

I was reading a blog earlier today and she said “…. I gave him free reign”.

I always thought it was “free rein” as in giving a horse free rein.

But I see how “reign” could work as well.

So which is it, “free rein” or “free reign”?

And now, after typing repeated drafts, both phrases have lost all meaning.

live from NJ....boobies

Purely for vanity’s sake, I have squished me lovelies in a bra that is:

1) pale pink
2) an underwire
3) ever so slightly padded (not that I really need it)
4) and at the moment excruciatingly tight because it is a size too small

The result of this enforced agony?

The girls are flying high and proud.

Salute them as you pass by.

birthday wrap-up

Today I was gently reminded by my good friend Sanna, that I haven’t done a post-birthday post. Mostly I think she wants to see her name up in lights when I publicly thank her for remembering me on my birthday.

So here goes:

A big thanks goes out to my good friend Sanna. She purchased not one, not two , but THREE items from my amazon.com wish list.

None of the rest of you even came close – suckers!

I received several e-mail birthday greeting cards: Cousin Jeremiah, Aunt Renee and my friend Cory. And by the way, Cory if you are reading this, do you EVER check your emails?!?!

I also got a lovely birthday wish from my friend of high school days Missy Knepp, who, as it turns out, reads my blog and was worried because I haven’t posted in a while.

Explanations for the dearth of postings will be revealed at some point (all in good time, my pets)

To the rest of you knuckleheads, who because of my blatant attempt at garnering birthday wishes, were kind enough to actually respond with a “Happy Birthday”, let me know when it is your birthday and I will reciprocate in kind, because I’m cool like that.

My mother called me at 6pm. Because that was the official time I was born. I once again got to hear the miraculous story of my birth. Including the part where when I came out the Dr. turned to the nurse and said "here take her, she's piddling all over"

From my husband I got the following:
1) chinese take-out - the pu pu platter of which i ate most of it followed by chicken with cashew nuts for me and chicken lo mein for him

2) a foot rub- which was so lovely after 5 hours on my feet

3) complete control of the remote all night - we watched Ferris Bueller's Day Off - the annotated version. Did you know that the actor that played 18 year old Cameron was 30?

The evening progressed quietly and bouyed by the thought of a 30yr old sucessfully playing an 18yr old, I effortlessly entered my mid-thirties.

as a reminder

April 22nd is my birthday.

I'll be 35.

Felicitations and birthdays wishes are now being accepted.

cooking meat

When my mother was a little girl, children were not privy to adult conversations. That did not stop Mum and her sisters’ from hanging around the adults trying to overhear a choice bit of gossip.

One day while visiting with Uncle Don (grandpa’s brother) and his wife, Aunt Lorraine, the conversation turned to a topic not meant for little ears.

Nona and Aunt Lorraine were engaged in conversation when Aunt Lorraine abruptly got up and said “Come into the kitchen with me Elva, while I cook the meat.”

This piqued my mother and her sisters’ curiosity and they followed their mother into the kitchen only to be shooed out.

Obviously, this was an “adult’s only” conversation.

Thus the legend of “cooking meat” was born and to this day, when my mum and one of her sisters’ need to speak of something private they say are “cooking meat”. They’ve even shortened it to just “cook meat”. As in, when my Mum needs to talk to Aunt Debra about something important and juicy she’ll call her up and simply say “Debra, we need to cook some meat”.

And so it continues….

It was a Christmastime that I had my first adult experience with “cooking meat”.

I was at my father-in-law’s house for a family meal. After the meal, my sister-in-law and I lingered at the table desultorily chatting about our lives. I began to notice that we were speaking in lowered tones, and whenever a family member would drift into the room we would cease what we were currently talking about and begin speaking about something general.

It didn’t occur to me until I was driving home late that evening that I was carrying on the proud tradition of cooking meat.

Yet another sign that I am a “grown-up”

Notes

I am so TIRED of my winter wardrobe. I am wearing an outfit today that I loathe. But I was too lazy to iron the outfit that I REALLY wanted to wear.

The radio station that we are currently listening to claims that the music that they play is “fresh”. Then they proceed to play such fresh music as Ace of Base “I Saw The Sign” But ANYTHING is better than the dreaded Columbian music.


Mark you calendars. In exactly one month it will be my 35th birthday. If you forget, never fear, I will give you periodic reminders.

Last night I did a grocery run and purchased among other things a 6 pack of Fruit2O, peach and strawberry flavored. The peach is gross. But that is neither here nor there. I bought this stuff because I know that my husband enjoyed it when we were out in IN visiting his sister. When I told him that I bought some more, JUST FOR HIM. He informed me that it is Propel that he likes not Fruit2O and that “you really don’t know me at all.”

“!!!!!!!!”

Seriously.

I don’t know him at all?

After 13 years of marriage??

What an ass.

Moving on……still not liking my outfit.

I can’t bring myself to watch American Idol. I try. Really I do. But it’s just too painful. Although, I’m intrigued by the guy who is so in love with his hair. He loves his hair ALMOST as much as Simon loves his own chest. Have you ever noticed how much Simon caresses his chest?

Word I am currently liking “ Vast”

I’ve put the Oreos aside and am enjoying “Vienna Fingers”. Mostly because they were on sale 50% off.

REALLY not liking the peach Fruit2O. I don’t know if I’ll be able to finish it.

thighs are us

Running in an endless loop through my head – “64, 64, 64 Zoo Lane”

For those of you not in the know, it’s a show on Noggin.


Also for those of you not in the know, I am out of baby powder.

That’s right. I use baby powder.

Hey listen, if YOU had the thunder thighs I have, you’d be using something to keep the chafing down to a minimum too!

So the endless loop of “64, 64, 64 Zoo Lane is accompanied by the “swish, swish” of un-powdered thighs.

did i ever tell you about the time i went to a formal event in the city? i wore pantyhose that had shiny stuff shot through them. it made the pantyhose rough to the touch. the rubbing together of my massive thighs against the rough panthyhouse created such friction that it nearly caused a small fire. and basically reduced my inner thighs to a red mass of raw flesh. my mother said it is called "galling". And apparently it runs in the family as my father (a big guy) is afflicted with the same problem from time to time. Especially in the summertime.

Also, the dress that I wore to the formal event? The zipper broke. Because I squeezed myself into a dress that fit as long as I stayed standing. The first time I sat down in the taxi I felt a pop. I had to get the attendent in the Ladies bathroom at the Waldorf Astoria to sew me into the dress. For the rest of the night, I made my friend walk into the room right behind me. And I stood with my back to a wall. After several healthy vodka tonics though, the zipper became a non-issue.

The next morning, I walked bowlegged. Like I was rode hard and put away wet.

It was a miserable night.

including oreos

somedays i wish i could just quit you

good idea?

was eating the rest of my chicken with cashew nuts (from Saturday) chasing it with two butterscotch krimpets and washing down the whole disgusting mess with a flat root beer really the wisest decision at 10:30 on a thursday night?

tune in tomorrow morning for the results.

me and my grossly distended belly are going to bed now.

a touch scatological but nonetheless of great personal interest……

Am I the only person who feels as though I am missing something vital and important after having had a really good poop?

Anybody?

Just thought I’d ask.

And know this, that in my house, it is perfectly acceptable (if not an actual requirement) to announce with great satisfaction "i just had the BEST poop" upon exiting the bathroom.

We also recommend using air freshener.

Just as a courtesy.

short and sweet

my weekend with Jason, Phoebe and Verna Mavis went something like this:

AUNT JEN...CAN I HAVE A LOLLIPOP?
AUNT JEN...CAN I HAVE A COOKIE (oreos of course, phoebe is a girl after my own heart)
AUNT JEN...CAN WE PAINT?
AUNT JEN...WHEN ARE WE GOING TO MCDONALD'S PLAYLAND
AUNT JEN...CAN I HAVE A LOLLIPOP?
AUNT JEN...JASON WON'T SHARE
AUNT JEN...WHEN ARE WE GOING TO THE MUSEUM?
AUNT JEN... THE T-REX IS A MEAT-EATER
AUNT JEN...CAN I HAVE A LOLLIPOP?
AUNT JEN...CAN WE WATCH MIFFY?
AUNT JEN... THE T-REX IS THE MEANEST OF ALL DINOSAURS

AUNT JEN...AUNT JEN...AUNT JEN

All of these questions were asked at very high decibels and most every question was answered with a yes, because that's just the kind of Aunt Jen I am.

pause for refreshment

so here's the deal......

my sister Jody and her kids are venturing down from their Vermont mountain for a four day visit.

While they are here, I will relinquish the computer to my sister so that she may play endless games of Zuma in a futile attempt to beat my high score.

During this time, I shall exist solely to grant the whims and wishes of Jason, Phoebe and Verna Mavis.

Never fear, I WILL return on Tuesday with stories and pictures and at which time I will catch up with the following blog friends:

Ami - who bought a new house and is slowly making it her home.
Beth - who I JUST found out has uterine cancer and I'm more than a little concerned!
NJaney - who is getting married and is contemplating adding a new bird to her menagerie
Mandolyn - who is pregnant with her first baby (a girl) and I need an update!
Mannyed - time for a tale about a cat and the people he owns
EdgyKay - who has been sick and is full of germs so I stayed away from her blog so as not to infect myself so close to having guests
All Knowing Jen - we need to seriously discuss about forming a "Just Jens" club
Patresa - ok....so she doesn't even know I exist (I found her from EdgyKay) and I've been sort of stalking her ever since, she is THAT good!
Katie - just had a baby boy and I really need to go over there and congratulate her!
Another Jen - who has the most beautiful baby girl with the more hair than one little should have at her age!

If you come by to check in and see if I've updated BEFORE Tuesday, try any one of these lovely people instead, to tide you over until I return.

Don't miss me too much!

update

You all deserve a quick update, my beautiful blogging friends:

The prednisone is doing its job, which includes chipmunk cheeks, bouts of irrational anger and an increase in mobility. As a matter of fact, today was the first time that I was able to move my right foot from the gas to the brake. When a flare-up happens, I sometimes brake with the left foot, which leads to some very jerky braking and might possibly be illegal, I don’t know. A girl’s got to do what a girl’s got to DO!.

But let me share this (which is of greater importance):


When I got home from work on Friday night, I spied a big box on my front porch.

A BOX!

From AMAZON.COM!!

For ME!!!

Inside the big box, tenderly cushioned by those plastic air pillows, was a smaller box.

From NABISCO.

Inside the smaller box were 12 even smaller blue boxes.

And inside each of the smaller blue boxes, were lovely little crispy, crunchy, chocolately discs of cookie goodness held together with cream filling, otherwise known as OREOS!!

With a note bidding me to “Stash them around the house. We should never run out and have to rely on graham cracker substitutes”.

This was a thoughtful gift from my friend Jess Jones, who not only knows the importance of Oreos but also knows the joy in receiving an unexpected box from Amazon.com

Now that I think about it, perhaps it’s not just the Prednisone alone that is making my cheeks fatter?!?

So thank you, Jess Jones for thinking of me.

And thanks to the rest of you lovely people who took a moment to check in and see if I’m still alive and kicking!

Next up…..a visit from my sister and her kids.

just a little wallow in self-pity

A flare-up. The hauling out of the cane and the shower chair, the excuses to the employers of why you are late. The brave face you put on to your friends and family. The 80mg of Prednisone for two or three weeks.

The MS has reared its ugly head with a particularly vicious flare-up. This one came on quickly.

Let us recap:

2/5 - Monday - I’m tripping lightly up the stairs (emphasis on tripping!)
2/6 - Tuesday - I’m noticing a limp
2/7 - Wednesday - the limp has become pronounced (as in “Hello, I now pronounce you a Limp) and is getting worse.
2/8 - Thursday - I call Dr. Englestein, my neurologist. Lovely Nurse Tina, phones in a prescription for Prednisone, inflammation’s nemesis.
2/9 - Friday morning I’ve pulled out the shower chair. For those of you who don’t know, hot showers/baths are anathema for MS patients. It is like the hot water is sapping all your strength. As a matter of fact, in the good old days, that is how a person was diagnosed with MS. They were put in a hot bath. So when I’m in the midst of a flare-up I use a chair. (which also comes in handy when it’s time to shave the legs?) And now I’m popping 80mg of Prednisone every day.
2/10 - Saturday I’m lolling on the couch feeling sorry for myself with a list of things that I won’t be able to do: 1) Laundry 2) grocery shopping 3) got to the bank
2/11 - Sunday – turns out I can’t drive because my right foot really doesn’t want to move easily from the gas to the brake. I HAVE to go to work. I haul out the cane. Husband drives me to work. Husband does grocery shopping while I am work. I send him to ShopRite with NO grocery list. It’s a test. He’s spent $131.00 and managed to get, amongst other things, the butter and bacon and bananas that we needed.

2/12 - Monday – Husband takes me to work. I fall down the front steps of the house (this happens when your balance is shot to shit). Husband unceremoniously hauls me up out of the mud and we continue on with our day.
2/12 - Monday night – Milking my crippled state for all it’s worth, I guilt my husband into doing 4 loads of laundry.

2/13 – Tuesday – While trying to maneuver down those treacherous front steps again, I feel myself starting to sway. To avoid yet another fall, I plump myself down on the top step and decide to go down the steps on my bum. From across the road, our neighbor Patio Bob (he builds patios and sidewalks) sees my descent and rushes over to help me. He doesn’t seem to understand that I WANTED to go down the stairs in this fashion. In his zeal to help me, he almost pulls my arm out of the socket. I make it to the car and
against the advice of my husband, I drive myself to work. If I crack up the car he’s going to be full of “I told you so’s”.

Must try to not wreck car!

With the realization that another flare-up was really, truly upon me, I had a myself a little pity-party. The last flare-up I had was in March of 2006. Since then, nothing but good things. This is what the MS does, you see, it leads you down the garden path whispering in your ear:

"THIS is living with MS? The pins and needles in the legs? The sudden fatigue? The sensitivity to heat? The weak bladder? The uneven gait? Oh, this isn't so bad. I can handle this"

And then

BLAM!! (and not the good Emeril BLAM).

But blam that rocks you back on your heels and reminds you once again that you DO have a debilitating disease and if you DON't take proper care of yourself you could end up in a wheel chair like your Aunt Karen. Unable to care for yourself. Feeling like your husband got himself a pig in a poke.

So I wept and ate graham crackers with chocolate icing (we were out of oreos!) tried to find the humor in it all.

Things you can’t believe you’ve just wasted your time reading:

1) Last year, to initiate my New Years resolution of “economy, economy, economy”, I purchased a big box of store brand Q-tips. *side note: If they are store brand then they aren’t “Q-Tips”. What are they called? Anyhoo, these Q-tips sucked. They didn’t have as much cotton on the tip and they bent easily. There is nothing worse than having the Q-tip bend at a crucial point in the ear wax removal process.

I would like to report that these fake Q-tips have been used up; however that is not the case. There is still a quarter of the box left. I CANNOT believe that two reasonably hygienic people can’t use up 500 Q-tips in a year. This would also account for some of the reason why my husband can’t hear me when I talk to him.

2) The toilet seat is cracked and nooooooo it wasn’t because I sat on it! Turns out Himself ate too much salsa cheese dip and had to make a very hurried trip to the bathroom and I don’t know if it was the force with which he sat down or the explosive nature of his mission but the toilet seat was cracked in the process. And now every time I sit down, the seat pinches my heiney.

3) While we are in the bathroom and talking about my heiney…. Am I the only person who has to fish hair from out of my butt crack when I’ve finished washing my hair? Please tell me that it is because I need a haircut and not that I am exhibiting early signs of hair loss. Please don’t tell me it’s because my ass is so big that it truly is eating up everything in its path and finally, please oh please tell me there are other women out there that are afflicted with this problem.

4) Comedy Central is airing reruns of Scrubs. I try to catch an episode whenever I can and I can honestly say there is not an episode where I haven't laughed out loud at least once. It is a sly, wittily written show that is fresh and hits my funny bone just right.

5) Regarding the trainwreck of a blog that I flamed….I can’t give you the address. I’m too ashamed of my unchristian-like behavior, plus I think you all are better off not reading it. But if you want to read the post on which I commented I’ll email it to you. I wish I could remember what exactly I said in my hateful comment, but then too you are probably better off not reading that either. I don’t want you to judge me!!

6) I’ve been listening to Alison Krauss and Union Station all week. I loves me some good mandolin and dobro playing

7) EdgyKay is back!! Woo Hoo! I can’t tell you how much I’ve missed a person I’ve never met.

back in the saddle again

In the past month, the below three points have conspired against me, leaving me impotent.


1) At Christmas my brother-in-law Chris casually mentioned that he liked my style of writing and that if he were in that end of publishing he'd try to get me a book deal. Chris works for Wiley Publishing, who publishes among other things, the For Dummies books.

I have never had aspirations to become a writer. I’m too lazy and uninspired. So for someone to say that, even in passing, is ludicrous. Plus, any book that I might write would have to be centered on Oreos, boobies and the frustrations of living with Himself since this is the only thing I write about with any degree of knowledge. And really, who would read that book?!?

It felt good to have my words validated but on the other hand it paralyzed me. I felt as though I needed to impress the professional in him. Which in retrospect is absurd since he publishes computer books.

2) Like a fool, I shared my blog entries with my mother. We sat and read them together, Christmas night. She loved them. I cringed every time she read a post where I used “fuck”.

She turned to me the first time she read one and looking over her bi-focals quietly said “You weren’t raised to talk like that.”

“I only use it for emphasis.” I replied untruthfully.

Again, it felt good to have my words validated. Even if it was from my mother, who is obligated to tell me how wonderful I am by the mere fact that she my mother. Even so, I was left with the unsettled feeling that I had shared too much, while my mother was left with the feeling that she really must get a computer if only to read my blog.

3) I flamed someone. Anonymously, of course. I am not a complete idiot! But this chick had written something so asinine that she had a hostile comment coming.

As expected, she took immediate offense, erased the entire entry from her blog, wrote a big long “why is everyone so mean to me” sob story threatening to leave the blogging world and went dark for several weeks.

In the meantime, she got tons of comments, reviling the horrid person who caused her such pain. I know this because, against my better judgment, I kept going back to check her site. I don’t know why I subjected myself to her blog in the first place, except that I liked to read it and then pass it on to Sanna so we could laugh at how melodramatic and generic she was.

What amazed and saddened me was that over 50 people posted comments telling her how wonderful she was and how she should not give up blogging. Couldn’t any of these people see what I saw? The drama, the constants bids for affirmation, the poor spelling?!?!

And let me say, admitting that I flamed someone feels oh so gooooood



After much pondering and several aborted attempts at drafting a blog, I sat down and had an internal discussion with myself. We decided that I was letting these issues in particular #3, weigh me down. So we drafted a plan that would set me free.

This is what we did:

1) We thought back to Christmas Day and replayed the conversation with Chris again and determined that while Chris’ was comment was indeed complimentary it was uttered under a Prednisone high (he has asthma and is allergic to cats and my in-laws have THREE indoor cats) and shouldn’t be taken too seriously and that we should go back to writing about whatever strikes our fancy and stop trying to impress him. Except of course, for our vocabulary of which we are VERY proud.

2) When Mum finally does get her computer and has it all hooked up and learns how to navigate the internet, she’ll have to find Nejyerf all on her own. We’re not going to send her the link. This should take months.

3) This point, the point that caused us the most angst turned out to be the easiest one to remedy. We don’t know why we didn’t think of it sooner. DELETE. DELETE. DELETE. We did some housekeeping on our RSS feeder and eliminated several blogs including hers. We are also keeping our visits to certain spaces to a minimum. It's better for all concerned. By avoiding these spaces we can keep our sanity and go backing to talking in the first person.


Days later I’m feeling psychically lighter.

Thus this monster post.








if you've reached this part of the post then please feel free to say "i can't believe i've read the whole thing, now give me a prize!!"

scales DO lie....sometimes

My digital scale has been in hibernation.

You see, we have an ongoing battle, the scale and I.

So, when the battery died several months ago, I declared a victory and put the scale away.

But still it taunted me.

Luring me with its siren song, it’s promise of a new low number.

Yesterday I finally succumbed and put in a new battery.

And then, after having evacuated my bowels and removing all clothing, I stepped upon the scale with the confidence borne of weeks of Lean Cuisine meals and no soda.

There was no rapid flashing of numbers like on the “Biggest Loser” but an immediate three digit red display glaring back at me.

247

I stared down at the scale in stunned disbelief.

“IMPOSSIBLE!!!” I cried (only I said it in my very best Spanish accent “imposseeeblah”)

I stepped off the offending scale and, resisting the impulse to dash it and its horrible 247 to the cold, tiled bathroom floor, shook it.

Then I checked to make sure it was on lbs not kgs.

I put it back down on the floor.

Whispering a prayer, I girded my loins (i LOVE that phrase) and I got back on.

The display showed a new, lower number.

But don’t even THINK that I’m going to tell YOU my new lower number!

Suffice it to say, my days of Lean Cuisine meals are not over just yet. As a matter of fact, they are stretching out into the foreseeable future, or at least until Shop Rite takes them off sale.

I entreat you, oh dearest of Internets, that if you catch me putting an Oreo, or Snickers bar or Vienna Fingers or ANYTHING sweet into my mouth, you will immediately smack me.

I'm counting on you.

to dream the impossible dream

last night while at walmart, I took a quick detour into the handbags aisle, which in turn led me to the accessories aisle and rows of earrings.

ah the earrings!

they were all big, dangly, plasticy, hoop earrings. with plastic bracelets to match.

very 80’s

and it made me wistful for the girl of the late 80’s who would have spent all of her hard earned (by washing dishes at the restaurant) money on plastic accessories.

in keeping with the 80’s theme, last night I had my usual sexy dream with the guy from high school.

this time we were at a party and were making out in the bathroom.

which was weird on two levels:
1) this guy and I NEVER partied together in high school
2) i would NEVER make out in a bathroom. it’s my firm belief that when you are making out with a hot guy it should be done in public for all and sundry to see.

Just when things were getting really hot and heavy he gave a lame excuse and suddenly disappeared and I was putting my dress back on and the dream was over.

unfulfilled yet again.

which begs the question: is it cheating if it is in a dream?

ho ho ho

This, my fine friends, is the portrait of a tired, slightly dissatisfied with Christmas breakfast, waiting for her nephew to open his "more cowbell" t-shirt person dressed in her Christmas Day finery.

Unaware that she resembled Santa Claus.

Until she saw this.

For accuracy's sake, please note that while she does indeed have the requisite rosy red cheeks and the twinkling eyes, her belly does NOT quiver like a bowl full of jelly.

Photo courtesy of Chris and Jenny Webb (damn them!!)

fa la la la la

my most favorite gift?

Bartlett's Familiar Quotations.

in case you were wondering

try as I might, I will never understand frank zappa

I had a dream about george clooney the other night. it was not a sexy dream. we were in church and the minister was making fun of george. and I was laughing.

at george.

i was LAUGHING at george clooney!!!

you don’t laugh AT george, you laugh WITH george.

I should be banned from ever having another dream of george.

i also typed george so many times it has lost all meaning.


one of the girls at work just told us that her mother tested positive for TB. Can we still get TB? I thought there was a vaccine for this.

last night, as I was helping a little old lady find a pair of mittens for her great-nephew, I couldn’t help but be mesmerized by the very long hair bristling from her chin. “not by the hair on my chinny, chin, chin” kept floating through my head. it took every ounce of will I had in me to resist reaching over and plucking that sucker right off. I couldn't even look her in the eye while talking to her. This must be how a man feels when they are talking to a woman with big boobies.

speaking of boobies....mine have been itching like mad. i am hoping this is because they are dry and in need of moisturizer and not because they are growing!! I sit at my desk and scratch and scratch not unlike himself scratching away at his balls.

why does free shipping sound so alluring? every time I see it I want to buy something just to get the free shipping. I think I might need to join a support group.

oh and beth....i tried to do that 6 weird things meme. and just couldn't think of anything weird enough to admit in public. so it turns out, for all intents and purposes, i'm practically perfect!!!

but i will be more than happy to tell you 6 weird things about himself!

OR for those of you who know me well...feel free to divulge my weirdnesses (as you perceive them)

and she's up!!

On Monday I opened my mailbox and what did my wondering eye spy but a package addressed to I.

Ok, poor grammar.

But it rhymed.

It was another package from (quickly becoming infamous) Sanna.

Since there was no accompanying email forbidding me to open before Christmas, I proceeded to rip it open.

Much to my disappointment, it was a CD.

My CD.

From a three CD pack entitled "music to watch girls by”

Sanna insisted that I loan it to her so she could copy it.

I am SO kidding. I left it at her house when we had our joint yard sale in May. She hates the CD . At least that is what she says. I personally think she was secretly listening to it all this time.

She hates the CD so very badly, that she wrapped it in a ripped up Kashi cereal box (for added support is my guess), bundled it into a padded envelope, addressed it to me, paid $1.56 in shipping and sent it on its merry way.

Without a note.

No explanation. Not even a little scrawl on the Kashi box.

Nothing.

And yet I thoughtfully IM'd her that day to thank her for returning the CD.

You see….when somebody sends you something it’s only polite to acknowledge receipt of the gift.

Witness:

In October, I packaged up some little gifties to send to various friends and family. Let me at this time itemize what and to whom I sent things:

1) Thanksgiving themed dishtowels and a note to my friend Robbie in CA
2) Thanksgiving themed dishtowels and a garland made of fake birdsnests (trust me it was cute) and a note to my friend Ginger
3) Two 2ft candy corn lights for putting on a front porch at Halloween and note to my sister-in-law Jenny
4) A little votive candle holder in the shape of a bird and scented votive candles and a note to Sanna.

Two weeks went by.

Halloween came and went

And suddenly I realized that I hadn’t received any responses.

Finally Robbie IM’d me to say “thank you”. She had been on vacation.

Then there were three.

Unable to resist it any longer, I casually asked Sanna if she had ever received a package from me. She immediately fell all over herself with explanations and apologies for her oversight.

Then there were two.

I heard through the family grapevine that not only did Jenny receive the candy corn lights but she put them out on her front porch for Halloween.

I’m sure after Jenny reads this she will immediately apologize and offer some lame-ass excuse about working full-time, traveling for her job and being a mother to an active 18mo little boy and not having the time to write/IM me (even though we IM nearly every day!!)

But I will graciously accept her apology, cause I’m good like that.

Then there will be one.

Ginger….haven’t heard hide nor hair from her but I’ll keep you posted.

The moral of this story?

Never, ever send gifts to Sanna, Jenny or Ginger and expect a thank you.

But, send Robbie a gift and she’ll thank you and MIGHT even send you a hand-written note. Her mother brought her up right.

Afterthought: I realize that so baldly pointing out their obvious lack of social graces might not endear me to Sanna, Jenny and Ginger. But I want you three to know, even though you didn’t see fit to acknowledge the wonderful, thoughtful gifts that I dug out of my basement and sent you, this will not deter me from sending you future gifts. That’s just the kind of girl I
am.

Also, if any of you whiney butts are crying into your keyboards wondering why Jen didn't send YOU anything, just wait until after Christmas. I 'm sure I'm going to get stuff that I can regift!!

wherein jen begins to question her blog virility

I'm suffering from blog impotence.

I just can'’t get it up.

I start out to write something witty and compelling and then ......blooop, it goes all soft.

Do they make a Viagra for this?

anticipation

the package from amazon.com was on my doorstep when I got home from work on Friday.

I resisted the temptation to open it but did shake it furiously in a vain attempt to ascertain what exactlywas in the package. I’m hoping it’s a book from my wish list. You see, I have an amazon.com wish list and I COULD go to the wish list and see what has been purchased, but that would be cheating and spoil the fun of anticipation.

so i CERTAINLY am not going to open it and then pretend to be surprised, Cousin Miah and Cousin Mike!!! Nona would be ashamed of you!

Finally saw Brokeback Mountain and a few impressions of the movie

1) The mountain scenery was BEAUTIFUL
2) Jake Gyllenhaal and his doe –eyed glances from under his cowboy-hat wear a little thin after a while
3) Michelle Williams leaves me cold

This movie is done an injustice every time it is called a “gay cowboy” movie As I was watching the movie (without the hypocritical slightly homophobic presence of himself), it suddenly came to me that this story of jack twist and ennis del mar is really a universal story. the two main characters could have just as easily been two women or two people with ethnic or religious differences that are denied expression of their true love.

and this gentleman says exactly what I cannot express: “The movie tells a small-scale, narrowly delineated story, specific to these individual characters in their time and place, that makes no overt political claims…..”

mind-numbingly boring

I don’t know if you’ve heard, but it’s December.

The thermometer here in NJ is telling a different story. It’s balmy outside and I’m sweating in my wool coat.

I am totally boring myself with this topic.

So let’s move on to another boring topic….Christmas. How are YOU doing on your Christmas shopping? I’ve gotten maybe a quarter of my shopping done. But the rest is all internet shopping, just point and click and wait for the package to arrive.

And speaking of Christmas….the other day I received an email from my friend Sanna.

She wanted to let me know that I would be receiving a package from amazon.com and to not open it until Christmas.

Now I ask you….would a real friend do that? Send a package and then make you wait until Christmas?!?!

I don’t know if I’ll be able to resist temptation. I’m going to need all the help and support I can get.

With any luck, amazon.com will take their sweet time sending out the package so it won’t sit around mocking me until Christmas. AND I hope whatever she sent me is worth the wait!! I’ll let you know after Christmas.

I also bought beautiful Christmas cards this year. From the Dollar Store. Since they were so nice (and cheap - $1 each!!!!) I bought several boxes. Now I have too many cards and not enough people to send them to. So email me your address to nejyerf@hotmail.com and I will send you a cheap yet beautiful Dollar Store Christmas card.

no one loves you like family

the trip out to PA was a resounding success, himself shot a deer and i visited friends and family.

the new car drove beautifully. for the record, she can go up to 85mph without a whimper. luckily, my normally critical passenger was fast asleep. his only comment, upon pulling into my parent’s driveway, was that we seemed to have made good time.

Monday was spent visiting with my mother during which our conversations included but were not limited to:

my new haircut – she liked it
my new car – she liked but refused to take a ride in it
my diet – she thinks I need to eat better and is concerned that I might have a “leaky gut”
my weight – she thinks I lost weight. I don’t look “as chubby” her exact words, I swear!
my MS prognosis – she thinks I should continue with the copaxone shots. I don’t. we (and by we, I mean me) decided not to discuss this particular topic any further.
the 17 year old next door neighbor- who I used to baby-sit when I was in high school- dropped out of school and had a baby.
Christmas – when will they be coming to see us? we have to wait for dad to decide on this major issue

so basically it was your average mother-daughter visit and although it may not sound like it, it truly was a visit that was satisfactory on both ends.

Tuesday was a day for visiting with family. Mum and I had lunch with the following:

Three aunts, two cousins, one uncle and a wee little 2nd cousin.

It was a time to catch up and for me to bask in the love and admiration of family. Sometimes a girl just needs her family.

In addition to these aunts, uncles and cousins, I also managed to speak via the telephone to: two aunts, one uncle and one cousin.

For anyone who is keeping count, that is 5 aunts, 2 uncles and 3 cousins and one 2nd cousin. All in 12 hours!
In case you are curious about how many cousins I have...at last count we are 23 strong. I don’t know the 2nd cousin count but I think it is in the neighborhood of 20.

I also managed to squeeze in an early morning visit to my friend Jess and her kids. We sat in front of her beautiful fireplace and sipped tea and ate doughnuts with peanut butter frosting and gossiped about our mutual friends.

All in all it was an excellent two-day visit with the only one sustaining any mortal wounds was the deer.

better late than never

I am thankful for the lemon meringue pie that Gma made at Thanksgiving.
I am thankful for Uncle Bruce and Aunt Ellen, who hosted Thanksgiving this year.
I am thankful for Vh1, who ran the entire first cycle of ANTM on Friday.
I am thankful for Himself, who didn’t say a word when he came home from work on Friday and saw me in the almost identical position on the couch as I was when he left, because I was watching the entire first cycle of ANTM.
I am thankful for the above run-on sentence.
I am thankful that I FINALLY got the bathroom sink unclogged.
I am thankful that I am leaving for PA Sunday night.
I am thankful that I have off Monday and Tuesday.
I am thankful that I am going to visit with my Mother on Monday and Tuesday, whilst Himself and Dad go hunting.
I am thankful that I don’t have to post again until Wednesday.
I am thankful that my cold cleared up.
I am NOT thankful for the free flowing snot and phlegm the cold left behind.

Until next Wednesday.

For those of you who don’t know….. ANTM = America’s Next Top Model, and I REALLY think Elyse should have won.

if you were in my house....

If you were in my house this weekend you DEFINITELY would have seen me lolling on the couch, swilling Dayquil, blowing my nose every 10 minutes and watching E! THS “Full House”

If you were in my house this weekend and you looked real close you MIGHT have seen that I cleaned the bathroom .

If you were in my house this weekend you would NOT have seen me do any laundry.

If you were in my house this weekend there is NO WAY you would have seen that I ate an entire box of Cocoa Pebbles as I threw away the box and bought a new one to replace it so Himself would never know.

If you were in my house late Saturday night you would have seen me hunched over on the pot groaning in misery, because I ate a whole box of Cocoa Pebbles*

If you were in my house this weekend we really need to talk about how you found my house!!


* Along with enormous amounts of Oreos, Cocoa Pebbles will also act as a laxative

still sick

How sickness enlarges the dimensions of a man's self to himself - Charles Lamb

Still sick.

Becoming increasingly petulant.

Still not getting much sympathy from Himself.

This morning he told me with great heartlessness that the cold will probably settle into a sinus infection.

I suppose he'll want to cancel our date to see "Casino Royale"

The boss is buying us lunch today. Chinese, my favorite. Great. I can't taste a bloody thing. I might as well be eating wet cardboard.

You see?

Utter petulance.

it's probably SARS

Let me preface this post by clarifying that I detest blog posts that are all about ill health.

Having said that……

I am sick.

I have a sore throat, a nagging cough and my ears are stopped up.

My husband is avoiding me so that he doesn’t get sick and keeps telling me to “drink orange juice or grapefruit juice”. But he doesn’t object to my germ-ridden self slaving over a hot stove to make him dinner.

In order to get some sleep I took some Tylenol night time cold remedy.

This allowed me to sleep.

But I had dreams all night long.

And they weren’t the good kind. You know, the sexy dreams that I have once a week about me making out with the guy from high school, but rather dark and disturbing ones. The ominous kind that you can’t remember when you wake up but leave you feeling distressed and out of sorts.

I’m probably contagious.

You should leave now before you get sick too.

Please feel free to take a complimentary bottle of Purell on your way out.

veteran's day

In observance of Veteran’s Day, I woke up early, got dressed and as usual drove 10 miles to the bank.

Only to discover that the bank was closed

“In Observance of Veteran’s Day”.

Gnashing my teeth, I got back in the car and drove home. As I was turning into the driveway, I spied the mailbox with the flag still up ; before leaving for the bank I had put my last netflix movie in the mailbox. This is when the light bulb went off and I realized that if the bank was closed then we wouldn’t be getting any mail either.

More gnashing of the teeth.

Also in observance of Veterans Day, I did nothing the rest of the day. I spent the day lounging on the couch watching movies: Just Like Heaven, Prime, The Station Agent.

And now for my three point observations:

Just Like Heaven
1) Reese Witherspoon’s character is in a hospital bed in a coma but her spirit is alive and well and annoying
2) Mark Ruffalo has the most kissable mouth. I just wanted to bite his lower lip.
3) The ending was too reminiscent of the St. Elsewhere series ending

Prime
1) Meryl Steep was perfection
2) This movie was NOT the laugh fest that the previews would have you believe
3) I suddenly realized that I am old enough to take a younger man as a lover and it won’t be illegal and that younger men are H O T (at least they are in the movies)

The Station Agent
1) Parts of NJ really ARE that beautiful
2) Michelle Williams = annoying
3) The main character was a little person named Fin.
As I was watching this movie and being drawn further the life of Fin, I had the MOST startling thought “he is so cute and even though he’s a little person I’d totally sleep with him”

Just the musings of an slightly politically incorrect, obviously horny woman.

you'd think i would be happy for them

My sister-in-law told me yesterday that her father - Big Bill - has finally decided to marry his longtime girlfriend, over the Christmas holidays.

And these are the thoughts that immediately went through my mind:

1. It's about damn time, they only been together 6 years.

2. Where/when is this momentousus occasion going to take place?

3. I don't have anything to wear

4. I'm going to have to go to Macy's.

5. This blows my Christmas budget

6. Wait!! I have that black dress with the lace bodice and plunging neckline (yay for the boobies) hanging in the back of the closet.

7. But I'll need to fix the zipper which is broken because I tried to squeeze my fat ass into the dress.

8. I'll just have to lose 15 pounds by the end of December (munching on candy corn throughout this entire internal monologue.

9. Ah, fuck it. I'll just wear a girdle and the extra strong pantyhose that hold in the fat

10. But then I'll be uncomfortable and miserable.

11. I wish they had consulted with me first.


I share this to remind you that it is often all about me.

I really need to work on that.

wax on, wax off

It has been on my list of things to do re: routine body beautification/maintenance:
1) shave legs
2) get hair cut
3) get lip and brow wax
5) clip toenails


I had made a Saturday morning appointment two weeks ago for a lip and brow wax, but I pretended to forget about it so that I could sleep in. So yes, I am well aware that I have more hair on my lip than does an adolescent boy trying to grow his first mustache.

But what I don’t need is a husband pointing out that fact.

May I offer exhibit A:

Hairy lipped Jen, to husband as he comes into the kitchen while she is making dinner. “Hello dearest, give us a kiss.”

Hairy-lipped Jen leans in, eyes closed, lips puckered in anticipation of a loving kiss.

Loving kiss never comes.

Hairy-lipped Jen opens her eyes to see husband staring in fascination at her upper lip.

“What?” Hairy-lipped Jen asks in puzzlement.

Husband responds “You have lots of little hairs on your lip” and points to said hairy lip with stubby finger.

Hairy-lipped Jen swats away offending finger and says with great dignity and withering sarcasm “I KNOW and thank you for pointing out the obvious (ass)"

Hairy-lipped Jen turns back to the stove and resists throwing wooden spoon at husband's head as he shambles out of the kitchen innocently asking when dinner will be ready.

It is here that I will point out two things.

1) It is his fault that I need to wax the lip in the first place. Years ago he mentioned my “mustache”. I became so self-conscious about the mustache that I felt compelled to go and get a wax. And you all know, once you start waxing you must keep it up or run the risk of looking like Pancho Villa

2) Turns out that my loving husband had been nipping at the Sambuca bottle before I arrived home and felt emboldened by the liqueur to speak what was on his mind.

To paraphrase that age old adage – “In Sambuca, veritas”

Needless to say, first thing this morning I made an appointment with Vicki at “Kristina Michele” for a lip and brow wax.

i might be your daisyheadmaisey

I have a pest that visits my blog and leaves comments. The name of the pest is daisyheadmaisey.

Daisyheadmaisey is somewhat of an enigma. I don't know if this person is a he or she.

I'm not even sure if the pest is a real person or just somebody yanking my chain.

What I do know is that I don't much enjoy getting/reading comments from him/her.

Which led me to an epiphany the other morning while was washing my hair*


There are certain blogs that I visit and leave comments and never get a response.

Yet I keep returning to those blogs and keep reading and commenting in the hopes that these wonderful and witty people will bless me with a pithy response and that we will become the very best of friends and they will add me to their blogroll and all the other wonderful and witty people that read their blogs will come and read what I have written and that I will become a blog goddess!

It occurred to me that perhaps this is what the daisyheadmaisey character is attempting to do and I am the asshole who won't respond to his/her comments. You see, I've been to his/her blog and I found out that I really don't care about daisyheadmaisey and his/her life.

Which led me to the following conclusion: Could it be that the people at whose blogs I read and comment obviously aren't interested in what I have to say either?? Not interested in me and my fascinating life? Not completly drawn in and waitng with breathless anticipation for the next great boobie blog? I cannot fathom this. Yet it must be true.

And with that came the following:


EPIPHANY......in effect, I am their daisyheadmaisey.

And that, my friends, is just too painful to think about in broad daylight.

*have you ever noticed that epiphanies often come while washing your hair? does it have something to do with massaging the scalp that lets the thoughts just come to the surface? or am i the only one who has great thoughts while in the shower?

monday morning prayer

7:34am

I want to thank you, Lord, for being with me so far this day.
I haven't been impatient, lost my temper, been grumpy,
judgemental, or envious of anyone.
But I will be getting out of bed in a minute, and I think I will
Really need your help then.

Amen

NEW CAR

i bought a new (to me) car on monday.

the reason for the purchase?

i had an accident at the end of september.

i rear-ended somebody

the airbags went off. i hit the car in front of me with such force that BOTH airbags went off. the passenger side air bag actually cracked the windshield.

oh I'm fine (aside from the burns on my hand and arm from when the airbag deployed)

but my poor silver ford focus was totaled.

apparently it would cost more to repair the front end, replace the windshield and BOTH airbags, than the car was worth.

so the insurance adjustor totaled the car.

we said a sad goodbye in the rain-drenched, gated yard of Bill's Service Station, amid the other wrecked and damaged cars.

and then i started my search for a new car.

i found one. slightly used. a pontiac sunfire.

we've made friends. but we're not chums yet. i'm still treating her with kid gloves. it will take a awhile before i'll feel comfortable enough to get her up to 90mph on the interstate.

but LOOK at the option she came with.

These were also offered:
#2
#3
#4
#5

which one would you choose?

the day after halloween

as i was driving to work this morning, the day after halloween, this is what i didn't see:

no toilet paper hanging from the trees.

no house or car windows soaped

no pumpkins laying smashed to smithereens alongside the road.

i must admit that i was a little disappointed.

there were no visible signs that last night was halloween.

not that i'm advocating vandalism or anything, but a little judicious use of toilet paper would come amiss.

and whatever happened to "corning" cars?

does anybody even do that anymore?

does anybody even know what that is?

or is "corning" strictly a phenomenon that occurrs only in rural central pennsylvania?

friday night fat

normally i don't post past fridays. i like to pretend that I have a fantastically busy social life on the weekends and don't have TIME to blog.

however.....

being that's it is friday night and i didn't feel much like cooking, we ordered take out.

pizza.

it was a meal deal.

one large pizza with garlic knots and zeppoles for $11.95

i had one slice of pizza.

and then i ate my my weight in sugared and/or garlic buttered dough.

that's A LOT of dough.

now here i sit, fat and bloated, before the computer screen, barely able to reach the keyboard over my distended belly. with a chest covered in confectioners sugar.

life is good.

lacking in ideas

Things recently discovered in the grocery store:

In the fruit and produce section:
Honeycrisp apples – oh so crispy and sweet

At the salad bar:
Zinfandel vinaigrette- light and tangy

Cereal:
It’s that time of year for Count Chocula, Boo Berry and Frankenberry cereals

Bakery:
Cupcakes, cannolis and eclairs OH MY! (more of a reminder really)

On line at the checkout:
Brad caught with a hooker, Angelina in tears.



Confession time:
I can never understand WHAT Janet Jackson is singing about.

itchy and scratchy

i just went in to have a quick conversation with my boss.

we were yelling back and forth and he kept saying "huh".

so i heaved my substantial ass up out of my chair and headed into his office to continue the conversation at a more respectable decibel.

i was talking as i walking so he knew i was on the way.

when i arrived in his office (taking all of maybe 7 steps), he was as usual behind his desk.

this is the fun part.

he was scratching his balls.

when he saw me he didn't immediately stop. he finished up his scratching.

he didn't even look embarassed to be caught scratching.

we carried on the conversation as normal.

but inside i was snickering.

ball-scratching does not bother me.

i have a husband.

he has serious itchy balls issues.

i understand the need to scratch.

but what i don't understand is WHY it has to be done in public.

and do men think that we don't notice when they are industriously scratching away?

know this...

it's still there.

the leaf.

now it's war.

i'm digging in my heels.

i WILL resist temptation
i WILL let nature take its course.
i WON'T reach over the hood and remove that bastard leaf.

with my luck, this leaf will hang out on the wiper until the first snow fall.

i know you were very worried about my computer and that it was probably keeping you up nights so you will be relieved to know that the computer didn't crash.

it just needs a new power cord.
it will be back safe and sound on monday.
now you'll can sleep tonight.


you should know that i watch project runway.
you should also know that the project runway finale was a disappointment last night.
i can't talk about it now, the wounds are too fresh.
just know that uli should have won.

and finally you should also know this:

too many oreos (especially the ones with the orange icing) eaten very quickly with too much milk (for dipping purposes) can act as a laxative.

really?!?!

there is a leaf stuck on the end of my windshield wiper.

it's been there for days and i've been too lazy to remove it.

i thought perhaps if i ran the wipers on high speed it would simply fly off.

no such luck.

now it's raining.

and i'm STILL running the wipers with the leaf stuck on the end of the wiper because i'm lazy like that.

i'll let you know when it finally comes off.

riveting post this.

aren't you glad you stopped by?

tomorrow we will discuss the pimple that is forming on the inside of my right nostril.

bet you can't wait.

waahhh

tragedy struck my home saturday morning.

the computer turned off on it's own volition. when i turned it back on, it refused to load windows. some nonsense about "boot volume not allowed".

don't worry dear friends, i will survive.

today the computer went into the shop for repairs. when i dropped it off and explained what had happened to hector the computer guy, he muttered "oh, that's not good".

i'm preparing for a funeral.

i had to find other ways to occupy my time on saturday:

this is how my day went:

forty-eleven loads of laundry
cleaned the bathroom head to toe
made the first of several trips up to the computer in the futile hope that it may have fixed itself
packed up a belated birthday box to my niece phoebe up in Vermont
sorted through photos in preparation to putting them in an album (which quite frankly is NEVER going to happen)
sorted through all the catalogs that have accumulated over the past 6 months - made HUGE Christmas wish list in the process
made breakfast of eggs over easy and toast - i never used to like eggs with runny yolks, now it's the only kind i like to eat. funny how tastes change as we get older. although i'm never really going to like peas or stewed tomatoes.
watched Overboard on TNT - i ALWAYS watch that movie when it comes on. that and Troop Beverly Hills and Baby Boom.
read part of a book entitled "bel canto" by ann patchett. it got good reviews, but i'm having a heck of a time wading through it. anybody have thoughts on it?
watched spaceballs - the movie. mel brooks is sheer genius in my book.
made dinner of sliced turkey and gravy, mashed potatoes and green beans with thyme - all from boxes - oh yes, i'm QUITE the gourmet.
fielded infuriating comments from himself regarding the "piece of shit" computer along the lines of "it's never worked right to being with" and "you NEVER should have let your sister borrow the laptop" and "if they can't fix it i'm going to buy a new one from my friend jay" and we all know how buying things from family and friends works out!

by the end of the day i have to admit i WAS suffering somewhat from computer withdrawal. but i finally got some much needed work done around the house.

so now my surfing and blogging is being done on the sly at work.

gotta go, the boss is coming!

i got nothin'

it's not that i'm without words, more like the wherewithal to string the words together to make a sentence.

thus, presenting a half-assed list of odds and ends for your reading enjoyment, since sanna has informed me that she's ready to read something other than the boobie blog.

1) against my better judgment i changed deodorants. i went from the secret solid to the gel. now, while the gel is a lovely lavender scent and doesn't leave white marks, it's really not working. i feel like ducky from pretty in pink "do i o-ffend?"

2) also against my better judgment, i bought new underwear. thinking that my ass is not nearly as big as it really is, i got a size smaller (but still big in the overall scheme of things much to my chagrin). now the leg holes are cutting off circulation to my lower extremities. but on the upside - they are pretty underwear. since i'm wearing andre the giant sized underwear i can't very well call them "panties" now can i? so i call them what we called them growing up, "unders".

3) continuing with lack of good judgment - i purchased a VALUE bag of Brach's autumn mix candy. i am eating all the candy corn with chocolate on the bottom first. i can feel my teeth rotting in my head as i am typing

4) over the weekend i finished a memoir by alan titchmarsh. if any of you watch BBC America you'll know him from Ground Force. Turns out he's MUCH funnier on TV.

5) also over the weekend i watched (from my netflix queue) elain strich - live at liberty. it was a one woman show. just an empty stage, a stool, elaine in a man's dress shirt and tights, singing and telling stories about her life in the theatre. it was oh so good and kept me enthralled for over 2 hours (she's 77!!!)

6) next up on the queue - Hatari! (the exclamation point is NOT mine)

7) explain to me please, why it is necessary in life for my cats to sprawl all over the clothes i JUST laid out on the bed.

8) WHY can't we buy funnel cake all year long? why must we wait for the local fair?

9) as the nights get cooler, so begins the long, hotly contested, bitter battles over whether or not to have a fire in the fireplace. himself is for it, i'm against it. the chimney hasn't been cleaned since we moved in 3 years ago. the wood makes a huge mess and the chimney smokes.

10) i'm loving the los lonely boys right now if you need a gift idea for me for christmas.....

and i'm spent.

boobie bonanza

if you don't already know , i LOVE to talk about my boobies.

so in honor of breast awareness month i thought i would repost the first time i mentioned my boobies on my blog.

February 09 earthquake in nj and surrounding states
if you felt earth tremors this morning it was because i slipped and fell as i was getting out of the shower i landed with a crashing thud. and in the process managed to bruise several choice parts of my person including my right boobie. i think i went down a cup size.

you'll see.....i talk about them ALL the time. they are an endless source of fascination and discovery. they are also real. and fabulous. my friend sanna, who i have mentioned before (and who has a nice set herself) thinks that i should refer to them as my "bosom". but i like boobies. my sister, who has had three children and therefore has a working set, refers to them as her "girls". diana, my fellow co-worker, calls them "tetas" because she is Columbian. And BECAUSE she is Columbian, she knows how to shake her tetas.

what do YOU call them?

because i'm a lazy bastard

this is a retread....from october of last year.
it occurred to me last night, i've got a whole year's worth of blogs at MSN that will just be sitting in their little archive bliss. never again to see the light of day.
because let's face it, we NEVER really go back and read through a fellow bloggers old posts . even though we say we do.

so as long as you promise not to read the msn archives i'll post my most favorites.

it will be like we are meeting for the first time


October 18, 2005 - (no changes, just the way it was originally posted - warts and all)

my prince came and i threw him away

it's sunday afternoon - i'm lounging on the couch watching my netflix movie - when i noticed movement out of the corner of my eye. at first i thought it was one of the the cats. then i thought it was a leaf since i had the back door open (it was a fine day) and the wind was blowing. but then the "leaf" moved in a vertical fashion and i realized i was looking at a wee frog. i was incensed that this creature had invited himself into my living room without so much as a by your leave. as i leapt off the couch to capture this frog he hopped further away (coy thing) under the recliner. i upended the recliner and he hopped under the radiator. whereupon he proceeded to hop INTO the radiator and rattle around like a piece of popcorn. in the meantime i realized i needed to find something in which to capture this creature. i lighted upon tom's notre dame hat tossed casually on the entry table. what a perfect receptacle to hold the frog. after i encouraged the frog to hop into the hat i tossed him out the front door where he flew 6 feet into the air arms and legs flailing. he landed in a daze on the front walk. after a few moments he shook himself off and hopped away.

i would like to know where the little dickens came from? did one of the cats bring him in? did he hop in through the back door? did he come up from downstairs? are there more of his kind in the house? these are pressing questions

hello!!

Welcome Friends!!

Glad you came by.

Please pardon the appearance. I WAS going to maintain two sites at once for a while and then finally go Blogger all the way. But not until I was all set up. I'm not quite ready for visitors yet but couldn't stay at the MSN party any longer. For any completely new visitors I used to blog HERE. There you will find sparkling witticisms, stories about my husband aka "himself" and the occasional boobie story.

My main reason for leaving MSN?! Too much DRAMA!!

I know that the furor of the whole Jeannie/duped women of MSN vs. EZ will die down eventually, but it's too much for me. Blogging for me is supposed to be fun. And I can't bear to read about all of the those gullible women who let that man into their lives.

Do you realize what these women did? Not only did the exchange oh-so friendly comments with this man, but they added him to their IM. They gave him their email addresses. They gave him their PHONE NUMBERS!!! In return he continued to write flattering comments, send flirty messages, talked for probably hours on the phone , emailed them pictures of his MEMBER. He turned them into victims. And when they tried to extricate themselves for what turned out to be a VERY sticky situation, he turned hateful.

The thing is...where was that vaunted women's intitution that we are supposed to have?

I've seen his comments, they made me shiver in distaste. I decided to steer clear of him. Maybe it's just me, but I think that people's characters come out more in their writing.

Ok I'm done with that.

So, welcome to my new blog.

'Oh the places we will go'

how to get your husband to make dinner

a few simple steps:



1) come home from a day of working with teenagers and answering too many questions

2) spy your husband sitting ensconced on the couch with the cats watching football

3) field the infamous "what's for dinner" question

4) open refrigerator door to see all sorts of leftovers

5) suggest you heat up tuna noodle casserole from friday night

6) be subsequently informed that your new recipe for tuna casserole sucked and he won't be eating the rest of it anytime soon

7) suggest the rest of the manwich you made last night

8) further informed that "i had that for lunch" - you mean you actually made yourself something to eat? ALL BY YOURSELF?!?!

9) in desperation fall back on hamburgers and FF - perfect sunday supper food

10) just as you are about to go out to heat up grill, it starts to pour down rain

11) debate about standing in rain to grill burgers

12) decide to go ahead with grilling as by now, you've wasted too much time and are getting exasperated, quite audible sighs from the vicinity of the living room

13) heat up grill, get out hamburgers, start slicing tomatoes and onions

14) simultaneously he leaves the couch to check fantasy football scores and you put hamburgers on grill

15) you sneak in to grab a few seconds of TV time

16) turn to TLC to watch about the worlds smallest people

17) become enthralled with the wee people and forget about hamburgers

18) hamburgers accordingly become severely flamebroiled

19) thinking quickly on your feet, you add double layer of cheese

20) this does not disguise the crispiness of the burgers

21) the grand master does not deign to eat crispy burgers

22) the UNGRATEFUL SOB throws the poor pathetic burgers out in the yard for the raccoons

23) get 5 minute lecture about the prudency cleaning grill before cooking. according to him he ALWAYS clean the grill (the whole THREE times he's done the grilling this summer)

24) suggest vehemently that perhaps HE should have made the burgers and flounce off upstairs to write mad post about the ungratefulness of husbands

25) while writing this very post hear him furiously scrubbing the grill in preparation to make his own burgers



26 - MISSION ACCOMPLISHED - sucker!!!



QUESTION – do you think it would be the height of folly to ask if he made ME a hamburger?!!?!?

Three

THREE NAMES THAT YOU GO BY:
1. Jen
2. Big Jen Bergman (himself’s choice)
3. Gretchen Lardbottom (my father named me that when I was just a little girl)

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. My freckled arms
2. My circle of friends
3. The obvious fact that I’m soooo much better than you (you DO know I’m joking!?!?!)

THREE THINGS YOU HATE/DISLIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. My utter ineptitude at making correct change
2. I accept defeat too easily
3. My almost pathological tendency to be late

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
English, Scottish, Peruvian

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Snakes
2. Turkeys – when they fix their beady eyes on you……
3. Not knowing when to say when

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. Qtips
2. Dove soap
3. Good-bye kiss from himself

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW: (I’m the pinnacle of style)
1. Flannel nightie ( i started this last night)
2. Glasses
3. socks

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS: (OR SINGERS) – depending on my mood….
1. Prodigy
2. Fleetwood Mac
3. Right now I'm listening to Bette Midler sing the Rosemary Clooney Songbook

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
1. Make curtains
2. Learn to make candy
3. Take candy I've learned to make and go to Farmer's Market

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. With my husband -Lots of Laughter
2. With my boss - a little monetary recognition
3. With my scale - a slightly smaller number

TWO LIES AND A TRUTH
1. The grass is always greener
2. Tomorrow will be a better day
3. You reap what you sow

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. Hairy chest – I like a MANLY man
2. Hands – calloused, work-hardened hands
3. Legs – well shaped (can he rock a skirt?)

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1. Wolf whistle
2. Turn a cartwheel
3. Fully comprehend the concept of time travel

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. Reading
2. Planning parties
3. Contemplating my navel

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. Eat a glazed donut
2. Punch my boss right in the nose
3. Go pee....but I want to finish this blasted thing first!!

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
1. Toast of Broadway
2. Scion of Society
3. Bane Of Your Existence

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. Prince Edward Island (with sanna, before we’re 80!)
2. Canton, OH (with Himself)
3. England

THREE TRUE LOVES:
1. Double Stuff Oreo Cookies
2. Himself
3. Pork chops and appleschauce

THREE FAVORITE ANIMALS:
1. I only like my cats

THREE REASONS WHY YOU'RE DOING THIS:
1. Because I know you are just DYING to know all about me
2. It's Friday and I'm bored
3. I needed a good post to start off my Blogger experience.